Posted on July 15, 2011 by John Cronin
A refurbished office scheme in the heart of the City of London has been recognised at an annual heritage awards ceremony.
The renovated office building (pictured – source) at 1 Bartholomew Lane, located opposite the Bank of England, has been highly commended in the City Heritage Award 2011, sponsored by The City Heritage Society and The Worshipful Company of Painter-Stainers.
Following a £32m refurbishment programme the building offers approximately 79,000 sq ft of prime office accommodation over 13 floors. The exterior facade has been retained over the lower 6 floors of what was originally a 1930’s bank. The interior has been reconfigured and offers flexible, open plan floor plates. Largest floor plates are on floors 3-6 at around 8,100 sq ft. The building has achieved a BREEAM rating of ‘Very Good’.
The offices are marketed as suitable for occupancy by an international corporation, a professional services firm or a financial organisation that would be attracted to the prime, City location. Headline rental prices for the lowers floors are in the range of £55 / sq ft. Rental prices for the upper floors are available on application.
The building is owned by F&C Investments and is part of their City Collection that includes several City-based office schemes. Architects for 1 Bartholomew Lane were Sidell Gibson. Partner in Charge, Richard Morton, said: “We are delighted to receive this recognition from the City of London for our work on this fine building by Mewes and Davis, designers of the Ritz. After a great team effort our client now has a building which will perform effectively for many years to come.”
Marketing agents are CB Richard Ellis.
Posted in London |
Tagged Awards, Renovations, Rental Prices |
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Posted on July 14, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
“Sixteen candidates, twelve tough weeks, one life-changing opportunity”. That’s Apprentice maths, chums, and we’re down to the final five.
It’s 6.30am and Natasha has made breakfast in bed. Imagine Jeeves, but with the jawline of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the squint of Josh Hartnett and the vocabulary of Vicky Pollard.
The phone rings and the job seekers are ordered to the city at once. “Do we have to wear anything in particular?” Jim burrs to the dead tone. Never mind. “I’ll wear what I always wear and look a million dollars,” he recovers. Green, paper-thin and crumpled it is, then.
The challenge, presented before the plate glass windows of the Square Mile, is to set up a new fast food chain restaurant. “I’ve laid on some staff for you, so you can put on a proper fast food experience,” says Lord Alanstrad. That’s two fat men in tracksuits fighting outside a kebab shop, then.
“I’ve got a BA hons in hospitality” Natasha tells her teammates Jim and Susan. Hospitality? Natasha exudes all the hospitality of a sandpaper suppository.
“What is our USP?” Helen asks her teammate Tom. Chinless, underweight neurosis, broadcast across the nation?
Venture’s Natasha, Jim and Susan choose Mexican food for their restaurant while Logic plump for great British pies. Oh I see. They’re running a catering van at a festival. I hope they stocked up on E-coli.
“I’m thinking of a big happy looking Mexican man with a moustache,” muses Susan, strolling through the sex shops of Soho. Well, we all need a break from work sometimes.
Tom, meanwhile, is playing the name game. Micro pie, pie in the sky, Brit Pie? “I’ve just dyslexically read some things and possibly come up with some genius ideas,” claims Tom, echoing the famous last words of King Cnut.
“How about Caracas, as in the little shaking Mexican things?” says Jim, the Northern Irish cultural attaché for Latin America. Meanwhile, in the office, things are turning sour between the Venture ladies. “If I say black, Susan says white” barks Michael Jackson. Oh sorry, no, that’s Natasha.
Helen and Tom are naming their pies after Britain and its history. How about ‘Rape and Pillage’? Or ‘Syphilitic Naval Force’? Or maybe just ‘Peasants’? “Didn’t Columbus discover the potato?” interjects Tom. “Yes he did!” beams Helen. Can you hear that? That is the sound of geography, crying into history’s pot noodle.
MyPy is starting to look a little like an English Defence League rally. Just in time for it to be completely unsalvageable, Nick then points out that Christopher Columbus was about as British as pesto.
“I’m Nacho man!” Jim tells his kitchen hand within the Tango-smeared walls of Caracas. Can you imagine if The Village People had included a thyroidic Irish bullshit whippet? Gay culture would have never recovered.
And so, it’s business time. 100 customers come in to each restaurant ready for lunch.
“Have you ever eaten 100% British before?” chirrups Helen before offering a Nightingale pie. If we’re talking archetypal British shouldn’t they be serving up a Piccadilly pigeon in tabloid pastry?
Caracas’ fast food, meanwhile, is slower than an underwater armadillo, not to mention cold. The solution? “Put the food in the oven,” suggest Susan. She really is a business brain.
It’s the big day and Lord Sugarnuts has brought his friend Ronald McDonald and Dominic Dominoes for lunch with him, to mark each restaurant out of 10.
“We’re Caracas!” screams Susan. I’ll say you are, you wild-eyed banshee. As the queue builds up I’m half expecting the three of them to jump on a passing horse, chant the Three Amigos motto and ride off into the unemployment sunset. Instead, they face a grilling from the ‘experts’ during which Jim’s maths goes as wonky as a one-legged duck on a rollercoaster.
Over at MyPy Helen and Tom are serving up their great British dishes. Plastic trays, miniature portions and not enough staff? Forget MyPy, I would have called it Bryan Air. The pitch even runs like an on-board safety announcement, except with tourettes-style outbursts of the word menu.
So, lunch has been served, pitches have been stumbled through and Ronald and his Sugar-dusted food mates have done a dine and dash, leaving nothing but a ballot box of criticism and snide points.
“I relish every opportunity to have a dialogue with Lord Sugar!” effuses Susie in the taxi ride to the boardroom. “I think I would make a stunning business partner for Lord Sugar,” counters Tom. Well, he is a bit of a stunner. Not to mention a babe.
The boardroom bickering kicks off with a discussion of team Venture’s name. Did they really mean Venezuelan capital Caracas? Or was it moneymaker shakers the maracas? Cut to the chase. They should have just called it Baracka’s and sold Obamaburgers.
So, how did the teams stack up? Logic’s dummy dummy run (sometimes they just make it too easy) appears to have paid off as they scored an average of 7/10. Venture, on the other hand, barely scraped together a cheese-encrusted 4/10.
So Jim, Susie and Natasha are off to the Café de Despair. I wonder which of them will be able to use Tom’s ‘special mug’? They never show it in the footage, but the other wall of that café is just plastered with pictures of Tom, his arm around various members of staff, holding up a commiseratory doughnut.
Jim characterises himself as Mother Teresa, presiding over the warring female factions. In ten years’ time, people will be spotting visions of Greyhound Jim in Chelsea buns and raspberry ripples, you mark my words.
Back in the boardroom Jim lets rip: “I felt as if I had complete excitability and even manic enthusiasm from Susan, but downright despair from Natasha.” Now that is a threesome that will haunt my nightmares for years to come.
But what’s this? The women are turning on the Jimster? “You’ve got a bit of a dark underside, Jim,” says Natasha. I reckon he has a shaved underside. Possibly with a winking face tattooed on it. Or worse, Chinese lettering that spells out ‘Winner’.
Anyway, both women must be wearing anti-charm tin foil head protectors under those raven nylon wigs because they are taking the Jedi down, tag team-style. But will they manage to nobble Jim? Or will the greyhound live on to chase the mechanical rabbit of capitalism once more?
“Talk about box of tricks? I’ve got it all. I can break records.” Well Jim, we’ve all frisbeed a stray LP at the wall when our minions are disagreeing with us. Unless he’s talking about the world record to fewest blinks per minute.
So, who will Lord Sugartits banish to the dog house? Will it be the thistle-chewing bulldog, the mind-altering greyhound or the underbiting boxer?
Natasha, you’re fired. Hand your bollocks in at reception.
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Posted on July 13, 2011 by John Cronin
A first letting has been secured at a speculative scheme in former CIS offices in Manchester.
Agents Matthews and Goodman, acting on behalf of landlords AXA Real Estate, have secured the initial letting at the 55 Portland Street office redevelopment.
Languages school Alliance Francaise has signed a 10-year lease on 5,283 sq ft of space on the 3rd floor of the 11-storey block. The school will be relocating from offices at Churchgate House in Oxford Street. The rental price has not been disclosed.
The Portland Street building was previously owned by Cooperative Insurance Services (CIS), now part of the Cooperative Group. CIS also own the Grade II Listed office building in Miller Street known as the CIS Tower. When completed in 1962 it was the third-tallest office building in Europe. In 2005 the building was clad with photovoltaic tiles (image) with the electricity generated fed into the National Grid.
Having undergone a full interior refurbishment programme over the last 12-months, 55 Portland Street now offers 68,480 sq ft of Grade A rated floor space. Suites are available from 2,500 sq ft upwards. Floor plates are approximately 5,400 sq ft.
Commenting on the deal, Rob Peill, leasing agent at Matthews & Goodman said: “The quality of the refurbishment and competitively priced rental levels have generated strong early interest in the building from a diverse range of occupiers.”
The Co-operative Group is a major occupier of Manchester office space and also has ambitious plans for an £800m mixed-used development in the city. The company has proposed the NOMA 53 scheme which is to include a new 326,000 sq ft company headquarters office building, due to open in September 2012.
Joint agents for the 55 Portland Street scheme are Matthews Goodman and WHR Property.
Posted in Manchester |
Tagged Listed Buildings, NOMA 53, Renovations |
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Posted on July 11, 2011 by John Cronin
A former live rock music venue in Birmingham that suffered a major fire several years ago has been converted into a speculative office scheme.
The famous Edwards No 8 venue had previously hosted live performances from rock bands such as Nirvana and Radiohead. The Grade II Listed building (pictured) was significantly damaged by a fire in November, 2006. The building has now received a multi-million pound renovation programme undertaken by city-based Birmingham Properties Group.
Located at 81 – 89 John Bright Street in the city centre close to the New Street Station extension, the building now offers 25,000 sq ft of floor space over 4 floors. The existing exterior of the building has been restored while the interior, that was completely destroyed in the fire, now offers large, open-plan floor plates of approximately 7,100 sq ft. The developers are marketing the offices as a headquarters-style building and will undertake a fit-out if required.
John Tebbutt, Managing Director of Birmingham Properties Group, said: “This is a beautiful stone terracotta and brick building which we have carefully restored over the past 18 months. It now offers potential as an office HQ building in a fantastic location”. The building is available on a long leasehold basis with an asking price of £3m.
Birmingham Properties Group are based in the Jewellery Quarter of city-centre Birmingham. The area, formerly home to many jewellery and coin manufacturers, is being promoted as a business hub for the creative and digital media industry. Significant office developments within the district include 40 St Paul’s Square and the £160m St Georges development.
Marketing agents for 81 – 89 John Bright Street are GBR Phoenix Beard.
Posted in West Midlands |
Tagged Jewellery Quarter, Listed Buildings, Renovations, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on July 8, 2011 by John Cronin
An award-winning architects company has announced plans to attempt to create a carbon neutral office.
Architectural practice Stride Treglown, which was last month named “Wales Architectural Practice of the Year” by Insider Magazine, has announced that it plans to spend an additional £65,000 installing 1,240 sq ft of photovoltaics on the roof and south facade of their new Cardiff office (pictured).
Stride Treglown occupy the energy-efficient Treglown Court offices located on a former industrial service yard. The futuristic office block is next to the NSPCC office building that they also designed. The BREEAM rated ‘Outstanding’ building achieved the highest UK rating at design stage of just under 90%. Once the new photovoltaics are installed the company believes the building will be the first privately-funded, carbon neutral office scheme in the UK.
Treglown Court is a 2-storey office building offering 5,400 sq ft of floor space. The building was constructed by Rowan Properties Partnership and was officially opened in January by Jane Davidson, the then Welsh Assembly Government Minister for Environment, Sustainability and Housing.
The NSPCC occupy the larger 15,000 sq ft headquarters style office. Both buildings are located on a brownfield site now known as Tolven Court, which is part of the larger Ocean Way development. Additional offices offering floor space from 9,000 sq ft to 43,500 sq ft are available (pdf link) on a design and build or pre-let basis.
Stride Treglown has worked on several landmark office schemes across the UK including Bristol office schemes One Glass Wharf and The Paragon and the 45,000 sq ft St James’s Place development in Cirencester.
Posted in South Glamorgan |
Tagged Awards, Business Parks |
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Posted on July 7, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
This week’s task, like the Piccadilly line and David Jason, begins in Enfield. In a wholesale warehouse. Imagine the drug dealing scene from the Bourne Ultimatum, but with fewer members of the Yakuza and more bulk-bought sponges. The Bourne Scrotum, if you will.
“There’s profit to be squeezed from every product,” says the voiceover-man. Good luck squeezing those chandeliers.
“This place brings back memories for me,” yaps Lord Sugardengnome, as his disciples sit around on cardboard boxes, like a particularly sombrely-dressed collection of tramps. Memories? Really? Did Lord Alanstrad spend his childhood skipping about on baggage cranes and feasting on duvet sets?
“I expect you to smell which one is the best-seller,” says the Monster Munch-headed manager. “Smell what sells,” is right up there with “Touching base” and “get the juices flowing,” isn’t it?
Susan is moved over to Venture, while Helen is thrust in to the mad twatters tea party that is Logic. Both teams are given £250 of wholesale goods, thrown in to a battalion of Addison Lee chariots and launched upon the wallets of the capital.
In Covent Garden, Greyhound Jim is selling nodding dogs to tourists like a Ryan Air stewardess selling life jackets. A nodding dog for £7.50? Ooooh yes.
Over in West London, meanwhile, Susan is trying to sell sponges and phone chargers door-to-door. Now, call me a snob, but I wouldn’t buy my own mother off a stranger standing on my doorstep. I doubt I’d even bother coming down to slam the door on them in person. Which is probably why door-stepping has worked precisely never in the history of The Apprentice.
Team Logic, on the other hand, have struck upon the platinum-plated idea of selling their wares to pound shops. But these aren’t just any old pound shops. These are pound shops situated opposite a graveyard full of glue-sniffing, knife-sharpening Hackney dossers. They are trying to sell £50 watches to a man whose stock consists of multi-pack lighters, Rizla and paper plates. Forget bringing a gun to a knife fight; she’s brought an Aston Martin to a cake sale.
Tom, meanwhile, has been sent to the Southbank by Melody. “Sales are not what I’m best at,” admits the chinless wonder. What are you best at Tom? Apart from having a head the shape of a speech bubble? Oh, being out-haggled by six-year-olds. I see.
After a sleepless night (spent, presumably, staring at Black Swan Helen in the mirror) our business ballerina attempts to overthrow strimmer-voiced Melody. “I feel like I could give a better overview while you’re shifting stock.” Ouch.
Jim is selling umbrellas and dogs at Shepherd’s Bush market. Imagine Rodney Trotter, but with the cold, dead eyes of a killer. Surrounded by nodding dogs. “Come to Papa,” burrs Jim as ovaries across the nation spontaneously leap out of fallopian tubes in horror.
In Portobello Road, Susan is selling “pearl necklaces”. Sadly, Susan’s teeth are so white they they’re making the pearls look like strings of rabbit droppings.
“I’m being very directive” says Natasha, who’s wearing a jaunty hat. Now, I have a first class English degree and I have no idea what “I’m being very directive” means. “I think I’ve put a couple of people’s noses out of joint today.” With her level of testosterone I imagine Natasha has spent the morning knocking a couple of teeth in too, just for good measure.
And so, Helen goes on a jolly four hour round trip to not sell some duvet covers, Jim channels a thyroidic Gene Kelly by running around town with 23 unsold umbrellas and Natasha refuses to purchase any stock.
“Smelling what’s selling. That’s the point of this task,” honks Lord Sugaga. Smell what sells. That’s what my granddad always told me. Mind you, he was a vet.
So, Sugargoyle is understandably upset when it emerges that Venture didn’t smell what was selling. They didn’t smell anything. They basically filled their noses with the Vicks inhaler of commercial reticence and reinvested in a shedload of fuck all. “I purposefully put my neck on the line for this task” says Natasha. I can’t wait for her to say that she personally put her balls in a vice.
However, despite the £100 fine Venture receive for ignoring the rules of the task, they still managed to make £23 more profit than Logic. So, they invested nothing and made more money? Surely this proves that Lord Alanstrad’s business model is about as profitable as a grow-your-own-soil factory?
The winners are sent home without any supper, while the losers are sent to the Café de Despair, where Erik Satie is always on the jukebox, the coffee cups are modelled on toilet bowls and ketchup is delivered through a squeezy nipple.
Helen is getting extremely upset and anxious about losing. Lady needs an emergency biscuit, and fast.
Back in the boardroom Melody busts out some of the best corporate speak since Stuart Baggyballs Baggs. “They say the best things in life are free. But I believe the best things in life are earned,” says Melody, who presumably pays her family for affection and throws tenners in to the air every time she fancies some oxygen.
“You’re right up my alley,” S’r’Alanstrad tells Tom. If Lord Sugar told me I was right up his alley, I’d go hide in a Biffa bin. Indefinitely.
So, who’s for the chop? Is it duvet-dithering Helen? Nodding Tom? Of course not. It’s Melody who – according by her defence speech – has been running the UN since she was 13.
Well, at least the Dalai Lama will be pleased to have his assistant and inspiration back by his side.
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Posted on July 6, 2011 by John Cronin
Additional floor space at a prominent offices scheme in Birmingham has now been released to market.
Hines Global REIT and Moorfield Group have announced that a second phase of refurbished office space, amounting to 20,000 sq ft is now available to let at their Four Brindleyplace building in the city centre.
Brindleyplace (website) is a mixed-use development offering a total of 1.2m sq ft of Grade A office accommodation along with restaurants, hotels and retail units. In 2000, the 114,000 sq ft building Four received the ‘Best UK Office Building’ award from the British Council For Offices.
Current occupiers at Four Brindleyplace include Deloitte, Mercer and Michael Page. The second release of refurbished office space is available on the 4th floor and offers flexible, open plan floor space that can be subdivided. Rental prices have not been disclosed.
Brindleyplace offers prime central Birmingham offices within several mixed-use buildings. Hines & Moorfield acquired 8 of the buildings in the development in July, 2010 for approximately £190m in the biggest ever offices deal seen in Birmingham.
Hines & Moorfield released the first office suite to market after the acquisition in February. A self-contained office suite of 4,300 sq ft at building Nine was the first vacant floor space made available since the completion of the building in 1999.
Igor Mathias of Hines, commenting on the available suite at building Four said: “This latest office opportunity provides potential occupiers with the opportunity to relocate their business to an exceptional property located within the award-winning Brindleyplace estate.”
Joint marketing agents are GVA and Colliers.
Posted in West Midlands |
Tagged Brindleyplace, Renovations, Serviced Offices |
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Posted on July 4, 2011 by John Cronin
A refurbishment scheme that has transformed an old office block in Manchester has been shortlisted for a national construction award.
The £27m refurbishment scheme by Ocon Construction of Piccadilly Gate (pictured – source) in Manchester, formerly known as Rail House, is shortlisted as ‘Project of the Year’ by Construction News magazine. The awards are being held next week.
The 10-storey, 1960’s office block had been taken back to just the external concrete walls before being completely renovated. The building is being described as a pilot “office hotel” scheme which the former Office of Government Commerce describes as being (pdf link): “short-term space to work for short periods of days or weeks”.
It is suggested that Piccadilly Gate features: “in-built future proofed flexibility and quality workspace whilst avoiding unnecessary opulence”. The offices are now occupied by several Government offices including The Highways Agency and the Training and Development Agency for Schools.
The revamped offices have achieved an impressive BREAAM rating of ‘Excellent’ and the refurbished building is amongst the top 10% of Government buildings for energy efficiency.
The former Rail House office block, located next to the Piccadilly railway station, was considered by many as being a city centre eyesore. The facade of the 125,000 sq ft building has been completely changed by the installation of a new cladding system. It is believed that the building has the longest escalator in Manchester, leading directly to the railway station concourse.
The project, completed in March, is one of 8 shortlisted in the ‘Project of the Year £10-£50 million’ category. The Construction News Awards take place on July 12.
Posted in Manchester |
Tagged Public Sector, Renovations |
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Posted on July 1, 2011 by John Cronin
A commercial property developer has launched a large, speculative office development in the centre of Cardiff.
Wales-based developer JR Smart has announced that it is to start the speculative development of Number One Capital Quarter (artists impression pictured) in the centre of Cardiff.
The development consists of an 8-storey office block offering around 73,000 sq ft of Grade A office accommodation. Construction work is scheduled to start within the next few weeks.
The office block will be the latest addition to an area within Cardiff known as the Capital Quarter. The 700,000 sq ft development is a mixed-use scheme including retail units, a hotel, student accommodation and office space. JR Smart has recently completed the Driscoll Buildings, a 36,000 sq ft, 2-block speculative office scheme. The offices are available on either a whole-building basis or on a multi-let basis with suites starting at just over 4,000 sq ft.
JR Smart is pressing ahead with the speculative development as it believes that there is sufficient demand for quality office space within the city centre. Commenting on the development, company chairman John Smart says: “As market conditions improve there will be increased demand for quality [Cardiff office space] which is both competitive in rental terms and in the best location possible.” He adds: “There is virtually no available new office space within walking distance of the capital’s main railway station and retail heartland”.
Headline rental prices for Number One Capital Quarter are expected to be around the £15.75 / sq ft charged for the Driscoll Buildings. All the office buildings have BREEAM ratings of ‘Very Good’.
Joint marketing agents are Knight Frank and Fletcher Morgan.
Posted in South Glamorgan |
Tagged Rental Prices, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on June 30, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
It is Sunday, the day of rest. Which means that Natasha has slapped on a pair of fingerless leather gloves and is running like a pig in an abattoir. Well, nothing makes me relax like a bit of squeaky-handed physical punishment, dressed as the lovechild of Fagin and Freddie Mercury.
But who’s this at the door? Who’s finger could that possibly be, turning the bell in to a pile of unemployment dust with just the tap of a tip? Why, it’s Lord Crystalline-Carbohydrates of course.
“I want you to create a new brand of biscuit,” announces the Greydi Master. Biscuits? Is next week shoe repairs? “I want you to create a whole new load of cobblers.” Apparently, the biscuit market is already “very crowded.” Maybe they should invest in a little international E-coli? That certainly seems to have cleared out the sprout market?
Over at Team Venture, cheek-boned wunderkind Helen is elected team leader on the basis that she used to sell “bakery products.” Wow. They sound delicious. So much more appetising than, say, “cakes” or “biscuits.” I wonder if a “bakery product” is a bit like a “foodstuff”. They’ve always sounded exceptionally tasty too.
“I like the idea of a kid’s biscuit, that you can give them after school,” suggest Helen, who looks like she hasn’t so much as sniffed a biscuit since Wet Wet Wet were at number one. And what shall we call these little sugared nuggets of additives? Fatty Fatty Bang Bang would be my suggestion. Jim, however, likes the name Munch Men, who I’m pretty sure are a male-only stripping troupe from Hull, but what the hell.
Over at Logic, Susie is smacked down like a “yapping puppy” by the human angle-grinder Zoe, in the competition to become team leader. Well, who wants a biscuit made by an aromatherapist? It’ll only be 0.0001% distillation of a biscuit, anyway. Or a biscuit tincture you can burn in an oil lamp.
“The first suggestion is Emer-crunchy,” suggests Chinless Tom. “It’s a biscuit for emergencies”. Brilliant! Maybe the Emer-crunchy could come wrapped in a huge silver foil blanket. You could eat them at major traffic incidents or during a nuclear winter.
Once they get to the factory, Tom and Melody start making biscuits with all the skill and precision of a club-fingered school child. Melody appears to be rolling her biscuits in to little turds, garnished with broken cornflakes and maggot-like marshmallows. “Biscuits are the new popcorn,” she proclaims, palming her flake nuggets against a board. I just called my local Odeon to check and it’s completely true. They are now selling big buckets of sweet and salted biscuits out of a glowing box with a huge cornflake-encrusted trowel.
Once the biscuits have been baked, some negligent maniac lets Jim focus group on a bunch of children. You give a man like Jim access to all those unprotected brains and they’ll melt in to little child-sized portions of Pedigree Chum. “If you got a star biscuit, would you feel that’s a good thing to have?” he asks. Star biscuits. How about Disco Biscuits? Forget children – you could sell them to hard-up media students looking for a cheap night out.
“Truth be told, I like Helen’s personality,” says Jim. “Probably because she’s passive.” Good, well, that’ll certainly quash those psychopath rumours.
Meanwhile, Swansea locals get to try Melody and Tom’s biscuits. The W.I. like the 2-in-1 concept. The perverts. So, it’s a go ahead for BisMix – the only biscuit that sounds like a brand of concrete.
And so, to the biscuit branding, which apparently happens in Windsor. Ah yes, Windsor, that international hub of design and marketing. “Our Special Stars take away the restriction of time,” explains Natasha. “We open up time.” I once ate a biscuit that opened up time. In Amsterdam.
Day two: time for the pitch. Oh sweet lord of mercy, Tom and Melody are doing a couples role play in a Sainsbury’s conference room. Please for the love of God, somebody make it stop. Biscuit-based role play: officially about as good an idea as tax form-based cake sex.
During Venture’s pitch the delegates from Waitrose point out that biscuits are pretty sugary. Who wouldathunkit, eh? To be honest, they’re probably just a bit confused as to why a synchronised swimmer is trying to sell them a star-shaped turd on a hobnob.
So, pitches are done, cookies are crumbled and it’s time to head back to the boardroom.
Unsurprisingly, Melody turns on Zoe. Zoe then defends herself with all the sonorous quality of a dalek-oboe hybrid. Somehow, despite the pioneering use of biscuit porn fantasy sketches, BisMix didn’t manage to get a single order from any of the three retailers.
And what of Venture? Well, like the woman for whom Troy fell, Helen managed to pull one out of the bag yet again with an order for 800,00 units. That’s one packet of biscuits for every person arrested for marijuana possession in the US every year. Hey, I bet some of those guys would like to remove the restrictions of time with a biscuit too.
So, it’s off to a country hotel for the winners and back to the Bridge Café for the losers. The Bridge Café is presumably named after the nearby bridge over the River Styx, leading directly in to the underworld. Sadly, none of the Bridge Café waitresses offer the Logicians a lovely BixMix to go with their polystyrene cups of coffee. Shame.
Once back in the boardroom of doom, Logic falls apart like a rich tea in a tumble drier. In a hopeless attempt to salvage her disastrous semi-biscuit, Zoe explains that the snap and share selling point was used to appeal to women. Oh yes, snap and share: that’ll appeal to women, the catty shameless bitches.
Attention is then turned on Tom for not recognising a luxury biscuit when he’s not told about one. “That’s not my problem. You don’t know the price of biscuits,” spits Zoe, halfway through a ferocious double-chin sulk. You don’t know the price of biscuits: The very words that ushered in my parents’ divorce.
So, who is for the chop? Is it spam-faced Tom? Mardy Melody? Alas not; Lord Sugarse decides to fire buzzsaw Zoe. Fired for failing to turn up at the factory, eh? It’s good that she’s starting early.
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