Posted on July 6, 2011 by John Cronin
Additional floor space at a prominent offices scheme in Birmingham has now been released to market.
Hines Global REIT and Moorfield Group have announced that a second phase of refurbished office space, amounting to 20,000 sq ft is now available to let at their Four Brindleyplace building in the city centre.
Brindleyplace (website) is a mixed-use development offering a total of 1.2m sq ft of Grade A office accommodation along with restaurants, hotels and retail units. In 2000, the 114,000 sq ft building Four received the ‘Best UK Office Building’ award from the British Council For Offices.
Current occupiers at Four Brindleyplace include Deloitte, Mercer and Michael Page. The second release of refurbished office space is available on the 4th floor and offers flexible, open plan floor space that can be subdivided. Rental prices have not been disclosed.
Brindleyplace offers prime central Birmingham offices within several mixed-use buildings. Hines & Moorfield acquired 8 of the buildings in the development in July, 2010 for approximately £190m in the biggest ever offices deal seen in Birmingham.
Hines & Moorfield released the first office suite to market after the acquisition in February. A self-contained office suite of 4,300 sq ft at building Nine was the first vacant floor space made available since the completion of the building in 1999.
Igor Mathias of Hines, commenting on the available suite at building Four said: “This latest office opportunity provides potential occupiers with the opportunity to relocate their business to an exceptional property located within the award-winning Brindleyplace estate.”
Joint marketing agents are GVA and Colliers.
Posted in West Midlands |
Tagged Brindleyplace, Renovations, Serviced Offices |
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Posted on July 4, 2011 by John Cronin
A refurbishment scheme that has transformed an old office block in Manchester has been shortlisted for a national construction award.
The £27m refurbishment scheme by Ocon Construction of Piccadilly Gate (pictured – source) in Manchester, formerly known as Rail House, is shortlisted as ‘Project of the Year’ by Construction News magazine. The awards are being held next week.
The 10-storey, 1960’s office block had been taken back to just the external concrete walls before being completely renovated. The building is being described as a pilot “office hotel” scheme which the former Office of Government Commerce describes as being (pdf link): “short-term space to work for short periods of days or weeks”.
It is suggested that Piccadilly Gate features: “in-built future proofed flexibility and quality workspace whilst avoiding unnecessary opulence”. The offices are now occupied by several Government offices including The Highways Agency and the Training and Development Agency for Schools.
The revamped offices have achieved an impressive BREAAM rating of ‘Excellent’ and the refurbished building is amongst the top 10% of Government buildings for energy efficiency.
The former Rail House office block, located next to the Piccadilly railway station, was considered by many as being a city centre eyesore. The facade of the 125,000 sq ft building has been completely changed by the installation of a new cladding system. It is believed that the building has the longest escalator in Manchester, leading directly to the railway station concourse.
The project, completed in March, is one of 8 shortlisted in the ‘Project of the Year £10-£50 million’ category. The Construction News Awards take place on July 12.
Posted in Manchester |
Tagged Public Sector, Renovations |
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Posted on July 1, 2011 by John Cronin
A commercial property developer has launched a large, speculative office development in the centre of Cardiff.
Wales-based developer JR Smart has announced that it is to start the speculative development of Number One Capital Quarter (artists impression pictured) in the centre of Cardiff.
The development consists of an 8-storey office block offering around 73,000 sq ft of Grade A office accommodation. Construction work is scheduled to start within the next few weeks.
The office block will be the latest addition to an area within Cardiff known as the Capital Quarter. The 700,000 sq ft development is a mixed-use scheme including retail units, a hotel, student accommodation and office space. JR Smart has recently completed the Driscoll Buildings, a 36,000 sq ft, 2-block speculative office scheme. The offices are available on either a whole-building basis or on a multi-let basis with suites starting at just over 4,000 sq ft.
JR Smart is pressing ahead with the speculative development as it believes that there is sufficient demand for quality office space within the city centre. Commenting on the development, company chairman John Smart says: “As market conditions improve there will be increased demand for quality [Cardiff office space] which is both competitive in rental terms and in the best location possible.” He adds: “There is virtually no available new office space within walking distance of the capital’s main railway station and retail heartland”.
Headline rental prices for Number One Capital Quarter are expected to be around the £15.75 / sq ft charged for the Driscoll Buildings. All the office buildings have BREEAM ratings of ‘Very Good’.
Joint marketing agents are Knight Frank and Fletcher Morgan.
Posted in South Glamorgan |
Tagged Rental Prices, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on June 30, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
It is Sunday, the day of rest. Which means that Natasha has slapped on a pair of fingerless leather gloves and is running like a pig in an abattoir. Well, nothing makes me relax like a bit of squeaky-handed physical punishment, dressed as the lovechild of Fagin and Freddie Mercury.
But who’s this at the door? Who’s finger could that possibly be, turning the bell in to a pile of unemployment dust with just the tap of a tip? Why, it’s Lord Crystalline-Carbohydrates of course.
“I want you to create a new brand of biscuit,” announces the Greydi Master. Biscuits? Is next week shoe repairs? “I want you to create a whole new load of cobblers.” Apparently, the biscuit market is already “very crowded.” Maybe they should invest in a little international E-coli? That certainly seems to have cleared out the sprout market?
Over at Team Venture, cheek-boned wunderkind Helen is elected team leader on the basis that she used to sell “bakery products.” Wow. They sound delicious. So much more appetising than, say, “cakes” or “biscuits.” I wonder if a “bakery product” is a bit like a “foodstuff”. They’ve always sounded exceptionally tasty too.
“I like the idea of a kid’s biscuit, that you can give them after school,” suggest Helen, who looks like she hasn’t so much as sniffed a biscuit since Wet Wet Wet were at number one. And what shall we call these little sugared nuggets of additives? Fatty Fatty Bang Bang would be my suggestion. Jim, however, likes the name Munch Men, who I’m pretty sure are a male-only stripping troupe from Hull, but what the hell.
Over at Logic, Susie is smacked down like a “yapping puppy” by the human angle-grinder Zoe, in the competition to become team leader. Well, who wants a biscuit made by an aromatherapist? It’ll only be 0.0001% distillation of a biscuit, anyway. Or a biscuit tincture you can burn in an oil lamp.
“The first suggestion is Emer-crunchy,” suggests Chinless Tom. “It’s a biscuit for emergencies”. Brilliant! Maybe the Emer-crunchy could come wrapped in a huge silver foil blanket. You could eat them at major traffic incidents or during a nuclear winter.
Once they get to the factory, Tom and Melody start making biscuits with all the skill and precision of a club-fingered school child. Melody appears to be rolling her biscuits in to little turds, garnished with broken cornflakes and maggot-like marshmallows. “Biscuits are the new popcorn,” she proclaims, palming her flake nuggets against a board. I just called my local Odeon to check and it’s completely true. They are now selling big buckets of sweet and salted biscuits out of a glowing box with a huge cornflake-encrusted trowel.
Once the biscuits have been baked, some negligent maniac lets Jim focus group on a bunch of children. You give a man like Jim access to all those unprotected brains and they’ll melt in to little child-sized portions of Pedigree Chum. “If you got a star biscuit, would you feel that’s a good thing to have?” he asks. Star biscuits. How about Disco Biscuits? Forget children – you could sell them to hard-up media students looking for a cheap night out.
“Truth be told, I like Helen’s personality,” says Jim. “Probably because she’s passive.” Good, well, that’ll certainly quash those psychopath rumours.
Meanwhile, Swansea locals get to try Melody and Tom’s biscuits. The W.I. like the 2-in-1 concept. The perverts. So, it’s a go ahead for BisMix – the only biscuit that sounds like a brand of concrete.
And so, to the biscuit branding, which apparently happens in Windsor. Ah yes, Windsor, that international hub of design and marketing. “Our Special Stars take away the restriction of time,” explains Natasha. “We open up time.” I once ate a biscuit that opened up time. In Amsterdam.
Day two: time for the pitch. Oh sweet lord of mercy, Tom and Melody are doing a couples role play in a Sainsbury’s conference room. Please for the love of God, somebody make it stop. Biscuit-based role play: officially about as good an idea as tax form-based cake sex.
During Venture’s pitch the delegates from Waitrose point out that biscuits are pretty sugary. Who wouldathunkit, eh? To be honest, they’re probably just a bit confused as to why a synchronised swimmer is trying to sell them a star-shaped turd on a hobnob.
So, pitches are done, cookies are crumbled and it’s time to head back to the boardroom.
Unsurprisingly, Melody turns on Zoe. Zoe then defends herself with all the sonorous quality of a dalek-oboe hybrid. Somehow, despite the pioneering use of biscuit porn fantasy sketches, BisMix didn’t manage to get a single order from any of the three retailers.
And what of Venture? Well, like the woman for whom Troy fell, Helen managed to pull one out of the bag yet again with an order for 800,00 units. That’s one packet of biscuits for every person arrested for marijuana possession in the US every year. Hey, I bet some of those guys would like to remove the restrictions of time with a biscuit too.
So, it’s off to a country hotel for the winners and back to the Bridge Café for the losers. The Bridge Café is presumably named after the nearby bridge over the River Styx, leading directly in to the underworld. Sadly, none of the Bridge Café waitresses offer the Logicians a lovely BixMix to go with their polystyrene cups of coffee. Shame.
Once back in the boardroom of doom, Logic falls apart like a rich tea in a tumble drier. In a hopeless attempt to salvage her disastrous semi-biscuit, Zoe explains that the snap and share selling point was used to appeal to women. Oh yes, snap and share: that’ll appeal to women, the catty shameless bitches.
Attention is then turned on Tom for not recognising a luxury biscuit when he’s not told about one. “That’s not my problem. You don’t know the price of biscuits,” spits Zoe, halfway through a ferocious double-chin sulk. You don’t know the price of biscuits: The very words that ushered in my parents’ divorce.
So, who is for the chop? Is it spam-faced Tom? Mardy Melody? Alas not; Lord Sugarse decides to fire buzzsaw Zoe. Fired for failing to turn up at the factory, eh? It’s good that she’s starting early.
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Tagged Apprentice Blog |
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Posted on June 29, 2011 by John Cronin
Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has called in the proposals for the redevelopment of the Saatchi & Saatchi offices in London.
Plans for a multi-million pound, mixed-use redevelopment (pictured) of the Saatchi headquarter offices in Fitzrovia, London were rejected by Camden Council last month.
The plans were rejected as the proposed scheme was considered to be an “over-development” and lacked both affordable residential accommodation and public space provision.
Developers Derwent London are proposing a £100m speculative development consisting of around 320,000 sq ft of prime, Grade A office space. Derwent, who own the 80 Charlotte Street site, want to replace the current Saatchi office building with a 30% larger office block.
Since 2008 the office of the Mayor of London has had powers to determine planning applications itself. A statement from the Mayor’s office quotes Mr Johnson as saying: “Redeveloping this prime location will contribute to the competitiveness of London’s wider economy bringing with it new jobs and business. This proposal clearly meets the test of a planning application of major significance to London and I therefore believe it is right that I scrutinise it in greater detail.”
The proposed scheme is not the only development that Derwent has undertaken in the area. Only last week Derwent announced the letting of one of the two connected office blocks scheme known as the Fitzroy+Maple building (website). Private equity firm Keyhaven Capital Partners Limited has taken the entire 11,500 sq ft Maple building on a 10-year lease, agreeing to a rental price of £41 / sq ft.
A date for a final decision on the Saatchi redevelopment plans has not been disclosed.
Posted in London |
Tagged Planning, Rental Prices, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on June 27, 2011 by John Cronin
Agents Savills have received instructions to market the iconic Express Building office scheme in Manchester city centre.
The striking Express Building (pictured – source) in Great Ancoats Street, Manchester was the former northern headquarters of the Daily Express newspaper and has more recently been used as offices for the troubled publisher Sport Media Group.
The Grade 2 Listed, black glass, Art Deco building, nicknamed the “Black Lubianka” once housed printing presses but is now a mixed-use development of offices and apartments.
The property was purchased in 2006 for £20m by Washington DC-based A&A Investments. It offers 75,599 sq ft of office accommodation over 7 floors. The interior has recently undergone a refurbishment programme.
Suites within the Express Building are being marketed as part of a scheme known as Express Networks (pdf link). Consisting of 4 adjacent office blocks, including 2 new-build blocks, office suites starting at 250 sq ft are available. Suites within the Express Building are marketed as Express One. Express Two offers 25,500 sq ft of floor space in a separate mixed-use building and Express Three offers 25,000 sq ft within the 2 new-build blocks.
James Evans, director at Savills, comments: “Express Building is a landmark building that occupies a prime position within Manchester’s renowned Northern Quarter. This, combined with the newly refurbished offices that offer high quality, modern and flexible space, makes it a very appealing opportunity for prospective tenants.”
Headline rental prices at the Express Building start at £13.75 / sq ft. Savills are now joint agents with Manchester based Edwards & Co.
Posted in Manchester |
Tagged Listed Buildings, Renovations, Rental Prices |
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Posted on June 24, 2011 by John Cronin
Plans have been submitted to convert a well-known Blackpool pub in to office accommodation.
The Oxford Hotel (pictured), in Oxford Square, Marton, Blackpool has been recently sold at auction for £120,000 and the new owners plan to convert the building in to offices. The premises have been vacant for several years.
Despite the wishes of the local pub landlords association, there is a presumption that councillors will approve the planning application. Dave Daly, chairman of the landlords’ group Licensees Unite, said: “It is a shame for the local community as even with Marton Institute across the road, there aren’t many pubs in the area. And it’s a great shame if the council can’t say no to the change of use”.
The new owners of The Oxford are Arena Digital who specialise in commercial audio and video productions. The company plan to extend the building by means of adding a first-floor extension, creating a new entrance and demolishing a storage building to create a car park. Arena Digital are to relocate around 25 staff from existing premises on the nearby Marton Industrial Estate.
Arena Digital plan to occupy approximately 6,000 ft of the office floor space leaving 2,400 sq ft available for sub-letting. The company has plans to offer serviced office facilities for local, small and start-up businesses. It is suggested that the serviced offices could accommodate up to 20 people who would use a central reception area and shared facilities. Indicative rental prices have not yet been disclosed.
A decision on the planning application is expected in early August.
Posted in Lancashire |
Tagged Planning, Renovations, Serviced Offices |
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Posted on June 23, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
Do you know my favourite moment of The Apprentice’s opening montage? It’s when Felicity shrieks “He wouldn’t even take a penny off!” as though the man in question just asked her to ingest an avocado through a suppository. It’s that kind of indignation that made this nation, well, indig.
To make a change from the usual floral effluence, this episode’s dawn call is punctuated by a strangely lingering shot of a spider crawling up a lampshade. Maybe this is our first clue that Margaret Mountford is in fact living in the attic, covered in a lace of spiders’ webs, clutching a signed press shot of S’r’Alan’s finger to her white gowned breast, weeping in to an Amstradkerchief. But I digress.
The Apprenti (this is the plural of ‘tosser’ – believe me) are off to Paris to sell their wares. I can’t wait until Lord Alanie comes out with a brown bob, in a flowery dress, holding a spoon.
Tom is put in charge of Logic, which makes sense because he wears glasses and tends to talk with all the passion and humour of a robot. Venture, endowed with the apparently unbeatable Helen, is led by Piranha Susan. Or Susie, as she calls herself in a hopeless attempt to appear child-like, rather than hopelessly moronic.
So, what retail delights are our aspiring interns – sorry, I mean partners – wrapping around Paris? Well, there’s a £1,500 electric bike (because a bike needs electricity like a fish needs a lumbar puncture), some pipe cleaners and a £325 beanbag. Fantastique. Not to mention a child seat, an espresso maker and some cress on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Finally, we have a light shaped like a teapot. Well, as anyone who’s ever had the misfortune to chew on a Lipton dust bag knows, the French love tea.
This task was inevitable going to involve some problems of translation. For instance, while Susan says, “I’m pretty much kid-sized,” Karen translates this as “She is actually very immature.”
Which may seem a little harsh, until Susan asks her imaginary group of invisible pixie friends, “Do French people drive?” and “Do the French like their children?” Mind you. Have you ever seen the trainers French children wear on school exchanges? Their parents can’t really love them that much.
One of the items Susan plumps for is called “The Universal Travel Grip,” which I had always thought was what Leonard Nimoy used to get a seat on Klingon buses. But it turns out to be a jumble of twist tags in which you can put your phone and, well, your phone really.
Meanwhile, for Logic, Melody is conducting some vital research in a Parisian Metro station. “It’s just so impressive that you can talk to them and understand what they’re saying back!” exclaims Dildo Baggins, even more boggle-eyed than usual. Well, you would be pretty impressed too if you’d just discovered the concept of language.
Surprisingly, when Melody talks to people on the Metro about transport, many of them say that they travel on the Metro. Well, that’s certainly unexpected. So, consequently, the car seat is discarded like a pube in a baguette, leaving them selling radioactive teapots and cress gardens. Good luck.
Over on team Venture, Zoe turns up at a rather chic interiors shop, wearing the kind of rucksack that Floella Benjamin would call ‘a bit silly’. Oh wait, sorry, that’s the car seat. Either way, the owner couldn’t be less interested. Bah oui.
The next appointment is the big one: La Redoute. Famous international catalogue and retail brand. To whom Natasha and Tom would like to sell a number of teapot lights. Any by ‘number’ I mean ‘ten’. That’s, what, one per every ten thousand customers? At least Natasha backs up this blinding bit of business pitching by explaining to the board that here in England we like to eat crockery at dinner parties and make scones out of bones.
The fact that Melody can actually talk to people in Paris is making her look like Popeye at a Mr Muscle casting, while Tom is wishing people on the phone a “Bonne holiday. Ciao.” Finally – and I’ve honestly been waiting all season for this – the Apprentices’ frankly baffling habit of holding their phones out from their chins like little spittoons finally results in Tom making a total cobblers of his call. That’s right – he drops it on the medieval street.
Back in the boardroom, Leon moans that Melody rather took over as team leader: “She was speaking French of which I cannot speak.” Although he does appear to speak fluent 16th Century. Natasha, meanwhile, spends the entire boardroom meeting wincing silently, like someone having a lemon squeezed through their knickers.
Despite Melody’s teapot turnover for Logic, the mighty Helen managed to land an order of over 214,000 Euros for their booster seat backpacks. In the words of the talking tortoise, “This isn’t just a loss. This is an annihilation.”
So, Venture is off to get some flying lessons. Look out for the bit where Helen swoops over Susan’s plane, windscreen-to-windscreen, flipping the bird, Top Gun-style. It’s quite a sight.
Back in the boardroom, Tom takes Melody and Leon in for a thorough drubbing, leaving Natasha to slink home and iron her face.
“Did you research La Radoute or not? That is my question,” barks Lord Sucre, leaving the soliloquy of Hamlet in smouldering ruins around him. In fact, Lord Sugar is finding it hard to see what Leon did at all during his trip to Paris. Which is exceptionally dense because as anyone watching this boardroom interlude can see, Leon spent most of his time in Paris buying pink lipgloss. The man’s mouth is shimmering like a pearl, for chrissakes.
Melody is let off the hook, thanks to her Tiger-like ability to communicate outside of the M25, leaving it a choice between Tom and Leon. Can I be honest with you readers? I genuinely think that, up until this moment, I hadn’t quite realised that Tom and Leon were two separate men. I think all I ever saw was a miasma of flopping brown hair, Neolithic eyebrows and stuttering ineptitude.
But anyway, Lord Alanstrad manages to tell them apart for just long enough to give Leon the finger. So it’s back to the Shire for him, I’m afraid. Bye bye Dildo Baggins. Bye bye.
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Posted on June 22, 2011 by John Cronin
Commercial property developers Development Securities (Dev Sec) has purchased a Bristol office block in a joint venture with Ellandi LLP.
Dev Sec and Ellandi have paid £7.6m for Colston Tower (pictured), a 15-storey office block in Bristol city centre. The pair have formed a new joint venture with Dev Sec holding a 75% share and Ellandi 25%. Dev Sec and Ellandi have previously joined forces to purchase the Crown Glass Shopping Centre in Nailsea, Bristol.
Colston Tower is a multi-let office block running at an occupancy rate of 85%. The building was completed in 1973 and offers some 90,000 sq ft of floor space. The building has retail and restaurant units on the ground floor with offices above. Colston Tower, one of the largest offices in Bristol, is a significant local landmark with a well-recognised clock that was added in 1996.
The new owners plan to increase the current rental yield of just over 10% by implementing a rolling refurbishment programme. Mark Robinson, partner at Ellandi, has comically suggested: “[Colston Tower is] bloody ugly / a masterpiece of brutalist architecture (delete as appropriate)”.
Currently, 30% of the rental income comes from the retail/leisure units. The building is currently occupied by 33 tenants and the average, unexpired lease term is just over 4 years.
Commenting on the transaction, Matthew Weiner, Executive Director of Dev Sec, said: “Colston Tower provides a high income return and significant scope to improve the property through intensive asset management.”
Agents Knight Frank are currently marketing suites within Colston Tower starting at rental prices of £10 / sq ft. There is also an estimated service charge of £5 / sq ft. Vacant office suites range in size from 1,119 sq ft to 10,091 sq ft.
Posted in Bristol |
Tagged Renovations, Rental Prices, Transactions |
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Posted on June 20, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
“This is not a job.” And with the least reassuring recruitment slogan ever, Lord Sugarlumps cracks out Episode Seven of The Apprentice. Expect key phrases like “This is not a competition” and “I have no money,” in next week’s opening credits.
Once all the rubbish, heavy metal and scrapheap jokes from last week have been recycled about as successfully as a condom, it’s time to crack on with this week’s task.
It’s 5.45am and the phone is ringing. Like a lab rat hooked up to an electrical conveyor belt, Melody seems to have learned from torment, for she answers the dawn chorus not only dressed, but in full make up. The Apprentices have just 30 minutes to get to Fleet Street, making this sound like the most unappetising game of Monopoly since the 1930s.
This week, the Sugarettes are to create a free premium magazine in just 12 hours. These free premiumsare more commonly known as ‘freemiums’ in the same way that Lord Alan is known as a ‘Sugariatric.’
Natasha is chosen to lead Logic, which bafflingly now contains Helen, Melody, Tom and Leon. The man known to Twitter as ‘Jedi Jim’ and to me as ‘Staring Sociopath Jim’ is taking the Venture reins, leading Zoe (John Lennon), Glenn (Shrek) and Susan (a pirhana).
So, what will go on between their sheets, you ask, with a twinkle in your eye and vomit in your gullet? “Lads magazines are about lads, yeah?” opens Natasha. That’s the kind of profound thinking the British business community are crying out for. “Porn sells,” she reiterates. How does this bastion of taste and intelligence respond to the suggestion that perhaps the magazine could be a little more business-orientated? A little more classy? “Does that translate as boring? I don’t know.” Move over Noel Coward.
Over at Venture, the team are with their focus group, running over the good things about being over 60. “Holidays without kids… bungee jumping”. Perhaps this radical new magazine could give away a free holiday of throwing children off bridges as an introductory offer? Just a thought.
The naming section of the episode is always one of the creative highlights isn’t it? For Venture’s over 60s magazine we have Eternal, Lighter Life, Coffin Dodger and Zimmer (well, Bob “Zimmerman” Dylan is 70 now, I suppose) before settling on the joyful Hip Replacement. Because you know what older people like? Hip hop and being replaced. Yes indeed.
Over in Charm Central, Natasha has gone for Covered, suggesting a feature titled “How to blow your load.” “I’m kind of thinking dirty secretary,” she explains. I’m kind of thinking dim-witted misogynist. But I have a feeling she’s not going to listen to other people on this one. “One thing we have to bear in mind is that our focus group was quite focussed.” Ah, as I suspected.
By 5pm the poor designer working under Greyhound Jim has mocked up at least 20 mastheads for the appallingly-named Hip Replacement. In fact, in about two hours they appear to have designed an entire magazine. This is like doing Graphic Design for the Duracell bunny.
For Logic, Natasha and her team are walking the streets, asking men how they like to blow their load. I hope they were in Soho where there are menus and rate cards for that kind of thing. Once the magazine is finished (over night, no doubt by a team of poorly-paid, stumpy-fingered designers working in a pitch-black cave somewhere) Natasha is able to answer the door to her prototype announcing “I’m the editor of Covered magazine”. How nice. I’m sure it’s exactly how Anna Wintour answers the call from the gas man.
Now that the magazines have been distilled down to five preposterously big cardboard cut outs, it’s time for both teams to make their pitches. Jim refuses to negotiate on price, Hip Replacement is laughed out of the offices of Mediacom and Leon is interrupted more times than a couple using the rhythm method of contraception.
Everyone thinks Hip Replacement is a gap in the market. Sadly it is a gap plugged by a cardigan-wearing geriatric sex couple with a dreadful name, sold by an Irish psychopath. Everyone thinks Covered is a bit, well, laddie but are won over by Natasha’s innate mystique; “We don’t want to drop our pants before we get in there.” Quite right.
So, it’s back to the boardroom for a little literary criticism. This time everyone is finally allowed to sit down in front of a perfectly spaced glass of water. Oh no, apart from Melody. Who hovers behind the rest of her team like a fat kid at a disco.
By the by, just what is it that Karen and Nick write on those pads while they’re waiting for Lord Sugargoyle to come in? Probably, just putting the finishing touches to those Tesco application forms.
Despite their lapdancing-all-the-way-back-to-the-90s aesthetic, Logic manage to pull a ludicrous £60,000 offer out of the bag at the last minute, leaving Venture to choke on Logic’s chlamydic dust. To celebrate, the lads mag team are off to learn the delicate art of fencing. Pork swords at dawn.
Which means it’s cold cups of coffee, unused microwaves and stained tea towels for Venture in the greasy spoon from Hell.
Back in the boardroom, Captain Thyroid aka Jim twists out of all responsibility like a greyhound in a helter skelter. Also, despite trying to sack them all, Jim claims that all his team loved him. According to psychologists, a grandiose sense of self-worth is the hallmark of psychopathy. Just saying.
Glenn calls Jim a control freak. Karen calls Jim passive aggressive. Nick calls Jim a jelly on a wall. Mind you, Jim calls Susan all style and no substance, a mouse and Bambi. So, you know, at least the names are flowing like fine wine.
So, despite the fact that Jim is irresponsible, manipulative and deranged, Lord Sugar for some absurd reason decides to fire Glenn. Because, apparently, he’s “never known an engineer turn his hand for business.”
And that, my friends, is the sound of Henry Ford spinning in this grave.
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Tagged Apprentice Blog |
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