Posted on August 24, 2011 by John Cronin
Plans for a large, controversial office scheme at the site of an historic church in Aberdeen have been approved.
Stewart Milne Developments have been granted conditional planning consent for their £40m Triple Kirks development (pictured). Triple Kirks is a well-known Aberdeen landmark and was once the site of three churches that were constructed in the 1800’s.
The remaining, Listed church spire is to be integrated within the new development of four connected office blocks, the tallest of which being nine stories high. The scheme will create approximately 72,600 sq ft of Grade A office accommodation within a BREAAM ‘Excellent’ building. Stewart Milne acquired the site in 2008 and applied for planning permission in March.
Aberdeen City Council acknowledge the size of the development but believe that there is sufficient demand for office space in Aberdeen. Councillor Kate Dean, commenting on the planning consent said: “We need high-quality office development in the city centre to help sustain all of the local businesses. I fully acknowledge that it is a sizeable scheme – but the applicants have done everything they can to reduce the massing.”
The Triple Kirks site has been the subject of various proposals over three decades but none have come to fruition. The land itself is problematic due to the 1-in-3 slope across the 0.43-acre site.
Commenting on the planning consent Malcolm Deans, MD of Stewart Milne Developments, said: “With planning consent granted, we will be actively marketing the development and are confident that, with the current lack of office space of this quality and stature, we will secure a high profile pre-let.”
Conditions attached to the planning consent relate to satisfactory conclusions of legal agreements over road improvements and affordable housing.
Posted in Aberdeenshire |
Tagged Listed Buildings, Planning |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 22, 2011 by John Cronin
Global infrastructure specialist Balfour Beatty has acquired an office fit-out company in a deal announced to the stock exchange this morning.
Balfour Beatty has invested £8m in the acquisition of Office Projects Group Ltd (OPL), a company specialising in the UK office fit-out market. OPL, with a London-based head office and a regional office in Birmingham, has previously worked on office projects for Balfour Beatty. OPL has annual sales in excess of £40m and typically works with a blue-chip client base including BAA, B&Q and Virgin Group.
In announcing the deal, Balfour Beatty reported: “The acquisition represents a strategic fit with Balfour Beatty’s existing capabilities, further extending the company’s skill base within the [office] fit-out market.”
OPL was co-founded by ex-SAS soldier Neil Laughton and his business partner Andrew Russell in the mid 1990’s. Laughton has been involved in the commercial interiors business since 1984.
OPL has recently completed a £4.3m interior fit-out project for City-based Ignis Asset Management at offices in 150 Cheapside.
Ignis had taken 32,000 sq ft of floor space of the BREEAM ‘Excellent’, landmark building based opposite St Paul’s Cathedral and tasked OPL with providing an environment that would unify teams relocating from two existing City offices.
Commenting on the 15-week project, Joyce Hardie, Head of Facilities at Ignis, said: “Our offices in Marylebone and St Paul’s had no brand consistency and the very fact that we had employees on two different sites meant that the team felt very fragmented and disparate. Our new premises are a true reflection of our business and offer visitors a first-class business lounge environment.”
Posted in London |
Tagged Transactions |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 22, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
As the camera pans across a smoke-streaked scene of what appears to be the ‘Chim Chim Cheree’ number from Mary Poppins, and the whistling industrial guitars of a particularly sinister rock opera shrieks in, this must be Episode Four of Dragons’ Den.
The five dragons have “the credentials, commitment and the cash,” claims the voiceover. Which is slightly ironic as most of the contestants they will see are clueless, crass and should be committed.
Still, thousands of entrepreneurs have applied so, in the words of a long-suffering boxing teacher, we’d better let them have a go. It’ll be funny to see their pain if nothing else.
I am very interested to see that Hilary has opted, yet again, for that timeless “eagle dressed as an astronaut” look with her voluminous white jacket.
Former radio DJ Bob Davis is first up. Oh look, he’s wearing a bow tie! And he sounds like Noddy Holder – this can’t possibly go wrong. Bob-a-Job is looking for £50,000 in return for 20% of his company. And what does this magical company do, to lure its CEO away from the glamorous world of late night phone-ins and spinning discs, I hear you ask? It manufactures Bob’s Box, of course: a huge bingo-cum-crystal-maze fun tank for corporate events and, one assumes, fetish nights. Hilary gets in straight away; lucky she’s wearing her personal protective equipment a.k.a the shouldernator.
“It looks like a very large bingo blower” spots the eagle-eyed Deborah Meaden. Honestly, you can’t get anything passed this woman. So far, Bob has made £600 a day and is looking to share his box with the nation. But let us hear more about the man behind the box: he’s known in the entertainment industry as the “car event king.” Imagine The Stig, if under that white suit was a red-faced man from the Midlands wearing a bow tie. Oh, and he also plays Thomas the Tank Engine at corporate events. Despite these rock-solid credentials, Peter Jones is worrying about Bob’s debt. In fact, he’s calling a grown man in a bowtie who used to pretend he was a train naïve. Who would have thought it?
Duncan then weighs in and forces Bob to climb the stairs all over again and re-present his pitch, for his existing company. Which, to Bob’s credit, he does very well. Although he doesn’t actually dress up as a monkey and play the drums, he does manage to convince Hilary to invest.“I know the other dragons will think I’ve lost my marbles, but I just loved being in the box.”
The second contestant, Camilla, loses out because of her slightly unpersuasive financial projections. Oh well, at least she’ll have a “fabulous home” to go back to.
Next up is former car dealer Fraser Allen, who is pitching his little piece of poolside revolution: The deckchair safe. He wants £150,000 but is offering just 5% ownership of the company. Which is a little like paying £25 for a beach towel, only to be handed a flannel. No wonder Deborah Meaden gives him a dressing down. Thank god he didn’t do the pitch in his trunks.
Remarkably, at this point, Dave doesn’t just climb in to the small blue box for a little cry. Instead he turns to Peter Jones for salvation. Sadly, it’s a no from Peter, which prompts Theo to go in to some ludicrously tortured analogy about a mythical balloon party.
Now we have the high speed contestant montage including labradors, shorts, sieves and something that looks quite like a urinal. Oh, sorry, no. It’s a mobile steaming shave unit. Imagine Man in the Iron Mask, as designed by Armitage Shanks. The dragons simply suggest holding one’s head over a bowl instead: a position I imagine many of them take after a night out in Rotherham with Hilary’s haulage lads and a 14 litre bottle of whisky.
Next up is Mexican chef Marcella and her amazing band of Mariachis. This is like watching The Ten Amigos. Now, I don’t want to play the psychic here, but I have just the tiniest suspicion that Marcella may have seen Levi Roots’ pitch, as she sings about fresh flavours and Mexican recipes. “A vivacious pitch,” says Evan, which is one way to describe a room full of salsa, pina colada and sequined men strumming guitars.
Marcella is looking for £75,000 to turn her range of Mexican food in to a household name. You know, like Dyno Rod or Tampax. Marcella is already selling to Selfridges and is in discussions with Waitrose, which explains how she has made £50,000 so far. However, Peter Jones isn’t sure about the product name, Rico, and Deborah and Duncan are both out.
Will Theo be interested? Apparently not, although he does give her some useful business advice: to concentrate on one good product. You know, like he has. Hilary then tells Marcella that she should have pitched for £750,000 and Peter Jones believes that she has to find her brand name. So, what’s in a name? Nearly a million quid, apparently.
Following the Mexican stand-off we whizz through baths, Cornish ski-ing and plate-painting pancakes.
This week’s final contestant is Robert Lewis from West Sussex who, in the words of Evan Davis’ voiceover, is “looking to turn thin air in to hard cash”. Have people learned nothing from Paul Daniels?
Robert is looking for a £100,000 investment in exchange for 10% of his company. His design can retro-fit advertising signs in to existing belt security barriers. It is “Neat, tidy and clean” and has produced a profit of £82,000 so far. Robert supplies to cinemas, The National Trust, a chain of pubs and bars and is currently approaching a major highstreet chemist. But why not airports, asks Deborah? This, I fear, is the business equivalent of tearing off a recently-affixed plaster and plunging your manicure in to a barely-healed wound. Either way, Deborah seems to have taken against Robert like Superman took against kryptonite. Duncan is also out.
Theo is impressed but he can’t invest in it because of Robert. Is it his ginger hair? Is it his suit? Is it his huge container load of profit coming from America? Peter Jones says that without the paper print out of an email confirming Robert’s American order he cannot invest either. Apparently Dragon’s Den actually takes place in 1992, rendering everyone involved unable to simply take out their smartphones and check the email online. So, in an extremely canny bit of bartering, Peter Jones offers the money for 100% ownership (later dropping to 49%), inspired by Robert’s 100% confidence in the American deal. This is like watching moose lock antlers: impressive, but not quite as impressive as stags.
Hilary makes an offer of £100,000 for 45%, but Robert still accepts Peter’s offer. Which is a little odd, as the money being offered seems to be less than Robert is going to make from his two containers heading to the States.
Still, mine not to reason why. Theirs but to do and buy. Those mighty five dragons.
Posted in Misc |
Tagged Dragons' Den Blog |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 19, 2011 by John Cronin
A newly-opened innovation centre at a former airfield in Leicestershire has welcomed its first tenants.
The Harborough Innovation Centre (pictured) is a new £4.2m development located at the Airfield Business Park, Market Harborough.
Part funded by the East Midlands Development Agency and Harborough District Council, the speculative scheme was completed and officially opened in June. Centre management firm Oxford Innovation Ltd (Oxin) has been appointed to manage the centre. Oxin manages 19 existing business and innovation centres across the UK.
The council hopes the new centre will eventually create up to 180 new jobs in the town. The scheme has already attracted new tenants including business coaching firm Sporting Edge; production design specialists Broderick Projects and commercial property development agency Intali.
Commenting on the new office suites Adam Burdett, Managing director of Intali, said: “I was not expecting the quality of accommodation and service that have been delivered. I am delighted to have secured an office in what I am certain will be a hugely successful project for both Harborough District Council and Oxford Innovation.”
Harborough Innovation Centre offers 52 offices, eight studios and meeting rooms together with catering facilities and a business centre. Suites range in size from 170 sq ft to 990 sq ft and are available to let on flexible terms. The building has achieved a BREEAM rating of ‘Excellent’.
Airfield Business Park is a development by property developers William Davis and is a mixed-use development of offices and units. Planning consent is in place for an additional 250,000 sq ft of business space.
Posted in Leicestershire |
Tagged Business Parks, Serviced Offices, Speculative Developments |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 17, 2011 by John Cronin
A stalled office development in the heart of Glasgow looks set to be completed by the end of the year as contractors move back on site.
Construction work at the speculative Copenhagen Building (pictured) was put on hold last year when the original construction firm entered administration. However, the offices are now expected to be ready by the end of 2011 following Allied Irish Bank’s decision to award a £1.2m contract to Clark Contracts.
The Copenhagen Building, located on Hope Street in the International Financial Services District of Glasgow, is a redevelopment of two, Grade II Listed buildings. Incorporating a modern glass curtain wall and atrium, the 10 storey scheme offers 65,000 sq ft of Grade A office accommodation. Floor plates range in size from 5,600 sq ft to 6,765 sq ft. The building has a BREEAM rating of ‘Very Good’.
The speculative scheme has had a chequered history. Named after Copenhagen, the Duke of Wellington’s horse at the battle of Waterloo, the topping-out ceremony at the development was held in December 2008. The offices were originally scheduled to open in June, 2009. By April, 2009 the scheduled completion date had slipped to “late autumn”. That date was also missed and then construction works were suspended in 2010 when main contractors Chard Construction went into administration with debts of approximately £400,000.
On being awarded the contract to complete the works, Gordon Cunningham, Clark Contracts MD, said: “We very much look forward to completing the development which will, without doubt, be a valuable addition to Glasgow’s stock of Grade A office accommodation”.
Headline rental prices have not been disclosed.
Posted in Glasgow |
Tagged Listed Buildings, Renovations, Speculative Developments |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 15, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
So, we have “Five of Britain’s wealthiest and most enterprising business leaders,” sitting in a warehouse apparently designed by Travelodge and lit by the London Dungeon. According to Evan Davis, these fire-breathing business bods will “make or break the dream of budding entrepreneurs,” over the coming weeks. Imagine the love child of Jimmy Savile and Bill Gates. Actually, don’t. You’ll never sleep again.
According to Evan, they’ve all built their empires up from scratch. Arguably, the same could be said of mosquitoes.
“The best will leave with backing for their business. The rest will leave with nothing,” reiterates Evan Davis. I didn’t know they strip-searched them on their way out. Seems a little harsh.
The first business to pitch is the mischievously titled Rascal Dog Litter. It appears to be two women holding fluffy dog toys as a man shifts uncomfortably between them. This is husband and wife team Mina and Tim, plus their US investor Patricia. “As you can see, I love dogs” says Mina, which is a touch harsh seeing as her husband is standing right next to her.
“It’s a little bit much to expect your dog to hold his bladder for hours on end,” says the ever understanding Mina. Although, I feel duty-bound to point out that this is sort of what lampposts and bins were invented for. Well, that and to provide an early form of dog-specific Twitter. The kit centres on a “machine-washable grass pad”. Maybe Bodyform could approach the organic menstrual market for investment.
It’s nice to see that haulage expert Hilary has strapped on her white wing pads again for the show. Now, Hilary has some sympathy for Mina, Tim and ‘Tish as her dogs are apparently too shy to make like bears in the woods. So, she is understandably concerned about her “teacup yorkies”. I’m pretty sure they are a biscuit, but hey, who am I to argue with a woman wearing clouds as shoulder dressings?
Luckily, Patricia has a training spray. It mimics the smell of collaborative dog piss, which is a perfume that I fear Lynx cornered years ago. Still, its just the mood-maker my new kitchen has been looking for. The Rascal turnover may be up £100,000. Who knows? Not Tim. The profit figures are more elusive than a flushable dog toilet. Deborah doesn’t like the idea. She thinks dogs should go outside.
Duncan then shouts down Mina as she’s trying to explain that dogs are just like a family member. Well, I know my great uncle Bob certainly could have benefitted from a washable grass pad. Especially after Christmas lunch.
Fairly unsurprisingly all the Dragons are out. Which makes the sight of two strangers clutching fluffy toy dogs strangely heart-rending.
The second pitch starts, like all great business deals, with some booze. In particular an all-you-can drinks member’s bar. Which makes Deborah worry that all her staff will be pished. Some people have no vision. Well, no double vision, anyway.
Peter Heart from Poole is a fruit and veg man who appears to have brought half a pound of family with him for the pitch. This is more oddly dressed children than a Geldof family bash. And balloons. Lots of balloons. The business idea is to franchise the Heart’s existing fancy dress business, Fun Fancy Dress. They are currently making a fairly healthy profit and employ seven people. Presumably these employees aren’t all children dressed as Kanye West and the Village People. Sadly, as the conversation turns technical the mood deflates like a blow-up Rolf Harris costume.
But what’s this? Duncan Bannatyne is stepping in to save the day? Only with a 60% ownership deal, which then gets haggled down to £100,000 for 50%. Nice work Veg Man. Nice work indeed.
As Evan points out, entrepreneurs have to make their idea stand out. Which, in the case of Leon Lee from Kent doesn’t just extend to having the same name twice, but also stripping down to his vest. Or weight-loss clothing, as he calls it. Peter Jones whips on one of Leon’s batman suits, which has been proven by Preston University. That’s a little like saying that your protein shake has been proven by the Redruth Agricultural College, but what the hey.
Next up we have former electronic engineer Alexandre Tomich, who I’m pretty sure is wearing his dad’s corduroy jacket. Alexandre wants £80,000 investment for his Philharmonic, portable, remotely-controlled lights. Poor old Alexandre is more nervous, breathy and panicked than a sixth former asking his sex education teacher out for dinner. Never mind. Maybe he can blind them with his apocalyptic lights display.
“Duncan Bannatyne is not looking impressed,” intones Evan. Well, that makes a change. Alexandre is a self-made refugee who feels at home tinkering with the switches of Britain, he tells the panel. However, Hilary is struggling to imagine Alexandre being regular. The boy probably just needs some muesli. Or prunes.
Will Peter Jones offer the olive branch of almost total ownership? Sadly, no. But all Dragons treat the Grandmaster Flash with respect and admiration. So, that’s nice.
The final pitch comes from the brotherly love team of Jim and Richard George. These two – who have made the effort to come along wearing not just matching suits, but matching faces – approach the Dragons for £160,000 for 20% ownership. Their product is basically a plastic coat for fence posts that you apply with a blowtorch. You see, this is why I never wore shell suits too close to a radiator.
Before these fence jackets, the brothers George were producing what they call “door products,” whatever in the name of knobs and knockers they are. Doors, presumably. Which is probably a good track record business-wise, if not grammatically. No wonder Network Rail are interested.
Deborah offers all the money for 35% of the business, but she is rebutted like sheep spring-boarding in to a dry stone wall. Theo offers all the money, but for 30% ownership, while Hilary is happy to bunk up with Duncan and split the investment. Which means four offers on the table but for more ownership than they’d hoped for.
Sadly, the fabulous George boys manage to throw it all away with an audacious and possibly unwise set of refusals. As dragon after dragon pulls out, it’s like watching Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum get beaten about the head with a cement fleece.
Oh well. In the words of Evan Davies, at least it shows that if you don’t like a deal, you can always walk away. I hope you’re listening Noel Edmonds. I hope you’re listening.
Posted in Misc |
Tagged Dragons' Den Blog |
2 Comments
Posted on August 15, 2011 by John Cronin
Plans for a new Business Quarter in Chester have progressed with the acquisition of a prime development site.
Manchester-based Muse Developments has announced the purchase of a 3.5-acre site from Lloyds Banking Group. The purchase price has not been disclosed.
The proposed Business Quarter, located by Chester railway station, is a major part of the ambitious, billion-pound One City masterplan proposed by Chester Council. The scheme is expected to create over 1,000 new jobs and will see the development of 500,000 sq ft of prime, city-centre office accommodation.
Phase one of the development will see the existing Premier House building (pictured) demolished and replaced by two new, six-storey office buildings offering total floor space of 150,000 sq ft. The offices will be constructed using latest energy-saving techniques and are expected to achieve BREEAM ‘Excellent’ ratings. Lloyds, which has other large offices in Chester, announced the closure of its Premier House call centre in July, 2010.
Simon Reynolds, director at GVA, who advised Muse on the acquisition, said: “This an exciting opportunity which will enable Chester city centre to compete with other key regional centres such as Liverpool and Manchester. The new Business Quarter will also provide Grade ‘A’ office accommodation, which will be a market leader in terms of design and sustainability.”
Chester already has a significant development that has proved popular with the financial services industry. Chester Business Park, located 1.5m outside the city-centre, is a 175-acre site offering 1,250,000 sq ft of prime office accommodation. Tenants include Marks & Spencer and Bank of America.
Muse expects to submit a planning application in early 2012, with construction to start the following year.
Posted in Cheshire |
Tagged Business Parks, Demolitions, Planning, Speculative Developments |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 8, 2011 by Rob Powell
First up in the Den was Lady MC & DJ Trickles from the British BJ&MC Academy. They parked their Bass Station in the Den and asked for £150,000 of investment for 20% of their company.
The multi-strand education provider offers music and DJing courses for adults and young people. Peter Jones proved anybody can have a go by getting up and giving a rendition of the Hip To The Hop that might have been best left in the bedroom mirror.
All of the Dragons were impressed by the passion of the social entrepreneurs, but none saw it as an investable opportunity and they left the Den with only warm words and the uncomfortable memory of Peter Jones rapping.
Love Da Pop claim to “make, pack and sell the world’s best popcorn” and the trio of advertising execs behind the plan wanted £70,000 for 35% of their business.
The Dragons all liked the sweet snack but their plan to expand from special events into retail went pop after Theo explained some of the harsh realities of distribution.
“It’s not a business, you’re not going to take over the world, you’re not the next Ben and Jerry… this is painful, ” declared Duncan Bannatyne.
He was out and so were the others soon after with the exception of Peter Jones who said they reminded him of the founders of Innocent drinks. His offer of all of the money for 45% of the company was accepted and the first deal of the night was done.
Glen Harden from Kent came into the Den with his son and an idea that he said had been sitting in his dad’s lockup for fourteen years. The UV Body Sculpture gives you, he claimed, a better looking body through selective tanning.
The “refreshing” and “honest” inventor admitted it “might be nothing” but reckoned the potential market was huge. New Dragon Hilary said she couldn’t invest the £50,000 in it that Glen wanted – “it’s too ‘ard earned”. The other Dragon’s also declined to invest.
Liz and Alan Colleran from a company called Raskelf wanted £80,000 investment, and a bit of mentoring, to help expand their memory foam products business across Europe and the US. Their caravan mattresses might have been equipped with memory foam but their own memory was found wanting when the Dragons wanted to drill down into what the company was spending its money on.
“We’d know within five seconds of getting back to the office,” said Liz.
Duncan Bannatyne didn’t hide his frustration: “Your numbers don’t add up. It’s ridiculous and ludicrous and I am out.” Peter, Theo and Deborah also declared themselves out and the crestfallen couple looked at Hilary Devey for their final chance.
There was a long pause. Was her foot itching? After the silence, came an offer of the full amount for 26%. After years of requiring business people to justify their percentages based on company valuations, Hilary rather undid all this by saying she wanted more than a quarter of the limited company so that the Colleran’s didn’t have complete control of the business.
The deal marked the first investment for the newest Dragon in the Den and took the night’s investment total to £150,000.
Posted in Misc |
Tagged Dragons' Den Blog |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 2, 2011 by Rob Powell
Social media giant, Facebook, is expanding its operations in the UK with a move to a new larger, London office.
The tech firm is reported to be moving from its Carnaby Street office to new premises in Covent Garden. The new offices are in a listed building and offer 36,000 square-foot of space.
“As Facebook’s growth continues, we are delighted to be expanding our operations in the UK with a move to a larger office in central London next year.”, Joanna Shields, Facebook’s vice president and Europe, Middle East and Africa managing director, told the Telegraph.
Posted in London |
Leave a comment
Posted on August 1, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
Danger! Says the oddly-lit sign. Keep out! Says the wobbly wall notice. “Brreaaaaeeaammmmnmm” screeches the particularly unexpected electric guitars until behold! The Dragons are standing on top of the very same tower blocks our beloved Lord Sugar was contemplating chucking himself off just weeks ago. Is all British business enacted on helipads and fire escapes? Is this some sort of anti-CCTV strategy?
Now, fans of the show cannot fail to notice that there is a new dragon in town. She’s northern, she’s brunette, she’s glamorous and she made her millions in the haulage industry. It’s Hilary Devey – the den’s answer to Cheryl Cole. And she’s strapped a couple of high fashion airbags on to her shoulders for good luck.
The first investment opportunity comes in the form of ex-city trader and mum Georgette Hewitt. Now, quite why Georgette has decided to make her presentation by bike is something of a mystery, seeing as this is basically a website to ease the financial dealings of children. Perhaps there just wasn’t anything to lock her bike to outside – maybe this warehouse is actually surrounded by moorland.
Anyway, Georgette’s site, The Present Club, “treats children to an online experience”. Sadly, all the coloured boards and talk of presents has made Georgette freeze up like a penguin in Farmfoods. She just about chokes out the words £60,000 before Peter Jones has to take over. “It’s kind of a wedding list for kid’s birthdays,” says the lost Jonas brother. Funnily enough, both Jones and Theo Paphitis rather like the idea of a site where you can just transfer money to children without actually entering a shop. I honestly had no idea that business men didn’t simply yearn to zoom up the aisles of the Early Learning Centre in one of those yellow plastic cars.
Sadly, the idea falls a touch flat with Duncan Bannatyne. “This is a terrible, terrible, horrible idea,” says the den’s Braveheart. Luckily Georgette still has her ‘retail guru’ and ‘technology expert’ on side. Not to mention a £60,000 for 30% offer. I tell you, there’s money in that there internet.
And so, from children’s toys to urinal splashback. Some guy called George takes the fairly unorthodox approach of walking in to a room full of millionaires and trying to take a piss through a drinking bottle. Well, what can I say, it worked for Armitage Shanks. Sadly, the Egglu fails to grab any of the dragons by the business bladder, leaving George to stand, morosely, holding his bottle of orange urine and enormous Easter egg. Never mind George. In the words of Hilary, “Where there’s muck, there’s luck.”
Next up is Alan. Alan is looking for £100,000 to boost his Maruji Beach idea. According to Alan, a vibrating bed and some hectoring podcasts will ‘cure’ the obesity problem in this country. Well, having a shaky nap time – or ‘sit and slim’ as Al calls it – does sound a heck of a lot nicer than going to the gym. Although I must point out that my grandmother used to have a vibrating chair where she would listen to Channel 4 Racing and smoke John Players Specials for about sixteen hours a day, and she was 18 stone with legs like purple turnips.
“You make my foot itch, mate” says Hilary, which either means she wants to kick him in the nads, or it’s some sort of haulage code for an unseemly act. Deborah Meaden, on the other hand, tells Alan that life’s too short for her to go in to business with him.
Next up is WarmaHorn – the only brass instrument jacket named after microwaving keratin. The verdict on these neothene niceties? “Look up Brass Bands investors in the Yellow Pages.” You’ll find it there, just above brothel heaters, I checked.
Following WarmaHorn, some guy gets his balls out. Oh no, sorry, he is the ball. A human cannonball, which only partly explains the giant toothpaste tube behind him, painted with “The New Generation.” Luckily, he’s brought a small cardboard model and some family photos with him to explain things. Apart from the canonballing part. That’s covered by the legendary ‘Human Cannonball Code.’ Grown men have died for less. The only way he can reveal the mystery and magic of lobbing yourself head first out of a tube with explosives up your bum is if they invest some money.
Mr and Mrs Ball met on holiday, when he flew passed her and in to a net. Like You’ve Got Mail, but with slightly cheaper dental work. Sadly, despite their enthusiasm for the lovely couple, none of the dragons want to invest. “I’m pretty sure human cannons don’t grow on trees” says Deborah. I only wish I had her confidence.
There is a similar fate for some fitted, super-heat-resistant oven gloves. Or ‘glovens’ for those of you who have lost teeth recently. Apparently, the idea of an easy-to-use, more-heat-resistant oven glove is absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, take that wrist blisters and spilled food.
The final pitch comes from Paul Daniels. Oh okay, it’s not Paul Daniels, it’s Ray Reardon. And he’s given up both professional magic and snooker to sell solar panels. Oh okay, it’s not Ray Reardon either, it’s former bodybuilder Chris Hopkins. “The perky roofer from Halifax” is looking to break in to the southern market and get a 20% ownership. He’s halfway through negotiating a 30% offer from Duncan Bannatyne when the rest of the Dragons get all shirty about being overlooked. Like single women at a synagogue mixer. Hilary slides in with a 26% offer and Deborah makes a rather sultry offer whilst fondling her pen.
Duncan Bannatyne then launches an unexpected Northern Uproar offer by telling Chris that he should only consider a joint offer from him and Hilary – he will not work with Deborah or Theo. This is a strictly above-Birmingham deal. Poor Chris’ eyes start swivelling like plates at a Greek wedding before cutting to the chase and accepting an offer from the two southerners. Because he wants to break in to a Southern market. And because he likes good humus.
And so, as the floating blue egg of stray urine bobs beneath the surface of neothene posing pouches, I notice that we’ve come to the end of the show.
See you all next week. Oh, and Evan? We’ll need to check your pockets on the way out.
What did you think of the first episode of this series of the Dragons’ Den? Which businesses would you have invested in? What do you think of the new dragon, Hilary Devey?
Posted in Misc |
Tagged Dragons' Den Blog |
Leave a comment
Newer posts →
← Older posts
