“Sixteen candidates, twelve tough weeks, one life-changing opportunity”. That’s Apprentice maths, chums, and we’re down to the final five. It’s 6.30am and Natasha has made breakfast in bed. Imagine Jeeves, but with the jawline of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the squint of … Continue reading
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This week’s task, like the Piccadilly line and David Jason, begins in Enfield. In a wholesale warehouse. Imagine the drug dealing scene from the Bourne Ultimatum, but with fewer members of the Yakuza and more bulk-bought sponges. The Bourne Scrotum, … Continue reading
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It is Sunday, the day of rest. Which means that Natasha has slapped on a pair of fingerless leather gloves and is running like a pig in an abattoir. Well, nothing makes me relax like a bit of squeaky-handed physical … Continue reading
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Do you know my favourite moment of The Apprentice’s opening montage? It’s when Felicity shrieks “He wouldn’t even take a penny off!” as though the man in question just asked her to ingest an avocado through a suppository. It’s that … Continue reading
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“This is not a job.” And with the least reassuring recruitment slogan ever, Lord Sugarlumps cracks out Episode Seven of The Apprentice. Expect key phrases like “This is not a competition” and “I have no money,” in next week’s opening … Continue reading
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Lord Sugar is “passionate about new money-spinning ideas,” says the voiceover, as Episode Six thrusts its way on to our screens. Sadly, Lord Suga-ga is still only just waking up to the commercial potential of steam locomotion and indoor plumbing. … Continue reading
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We’re five episodes in and it is starting to dawn on me that all Apprentice contestants are grown in a cesspit, far below the surface of the earth. Just watch the credits; there’s Gavin, taking the escalator up from some … Continue reading
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According to the official Apprentice twitter profile, tonight’s episode would see “the teams attempt to sell beauty products, fake tans and treatments to punters in Birmingham.” For those of you who don’t speak fluent TV, this basically translates as “thirteen … Continue reading
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“Do you have the balls to actually smell what’s going on in business”, asks Lord Sugar as a parade of polyester, spray tans and cufflinks flap across the opening credits. I have no idea what this phrase actually means, but … Continue reading
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It’s episode two and the booming strings of Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights is back in business. Which can only mean one thing; it’s time for The Apprentice contestants to joust to the death, using a ‘smart phone’, riding a … Continue reading
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