Posted on December 16, 2010 by Nell Frizzell
And so we come to the penultimate stage of the competition. Which Hollyoaks Jamie probably thinks is a fight to the death using pens. According to the narrator, Lord Sugar is still looking for that ‘exceptional’ someone to rub his face with Brasso and chisel his chin dimple every morning.
Over at house number 52 the call comes through summoning contestants to Sugar HQ. Oh sweet holy mother of Argos bedding! Stuart ‘the brand’ Baggs is sleeping like a greasy-skinned student under a sheet-less duvet. Now Sugardaddy is going to have to burn the whole bed, as well as all the towels.
All the contestants have been called in to Alanstrad HQ for a job interview. Cue some final last words from the remaining aspiring apprentices: “I’ve never not got a job,” says Stella, using more negatives than a Snappy Snaps developing suite. Monotone Chris, however, pulls out the big guns with, “I did quite well at school.”
As the contestants pull up at Lord Sugar’s rat cave it must be said that the offices do look distinctly like a Curry’s megastore. Oh, no, silly me – these interviews are actually taking place on the original set of Die Hard. I can’t wait for Bruce Willis to smash through one of the conference room walls in a grubby vest, brandishing his semi-automatic 50 calibre Amstrad machine gun in one hand and a LinkedIn invitation in the other.
“Sugar saw a little bit of himself in me last week,” confesses Baggs, bashfully. Well, that will certainly put paid to last week’s blowjob rumours.
The five remaining contestants are to be interviewed by a host of Lord Sugarmeister’s nearest and dearest, which means four greying business thugs and one Anne Widdecombe impersonator. Be warned; there’s not a convincing hairpiece among them.
The first of Lord Sugarchops’ heavies tells Monotone Christ that he can either, “Do it the hard way and I’ll rip you to shreds…” or do it the easy way and just take a quiet bullet to the temple. Oh okay, “Have a sensible conversation and stop the bullshit.” But you know what he’s thinking.
After Bordan Tkachuk (a name which is surely a poor translation of the Alanstradian for ‘factcheck’) has pushed a stick of dynamite in to the various Emmental-like holes in Jamie’s CV it’s time for Margaret Mountford to give him a once over. The woman with the Alistair Darling’s hair, Rocky Balboa’s bloodlust and Dame Edna Everaage’s approach to power dressing pulls Hollyoaks up for his ‘puerile’ third nipple gag. What a tit he is.
“I can work in any industry…” claims Stella. Who, as we speak, is simultaneously working in a coal refinery, medical testing laboratory and the Forestry Commission. Not bad for an unqualified blonde from Europe’s largest council estate.
Joanna, on the other hand, turns out to have no idea what Lord Sugar actually does for a living. Well, that makes two of them.
Monotone Chris gets the Mountford treatment for describing himself as a ‘revered theological scholar’, which is a little like saying that Noel Edmonds is a revered investment analyst. Or Davina McCall is a revered social scientist.
When faced with Margaret Mountford’s wall of white-haired disapproval, Stuart ‘the bilbo’ Baggs chooses the interesting tact of threatening her cat. “With this, your cat could be in Bermuda…” It’s a novel, if unlikely threat for a fifty-nine year-old papyrologist.
Claude Littner, the lost Mitchell brother of Sugared business bullying then tells Baggins, “You are not a Brand. You are a 20 year old kid.” Before qualifying this outrageous claim with, “You’re not a big fish. You’re not even a fish.” Of course he’s not a fish, you hairless fool; he’s a field full of ponies.
Once the gruelling day of lying, squirming and sulking is over, Sugar’s stooges head back to the boardroom to compare notes. Claude insists that you have to admire someone who’s not got many qualifications, which must be music to the ears of all those rioting students wallowing in £15,000 of debt, while Tkachuk accuses Monotone Chris of being “really quite monotonous.” Well, really. “He drones on, but he’s actually quite bright,” pipes up Nick, who seems to be under the impression that Chris is, in fact, the lovechild of a glow worm and a bee.
Some testicle-chinned suithanger accuses Stella of being, “good, but an admin queen,” until Nick leaps to her defence with the staggeringly tepid “She’s thoroughly decent.”
The bitching and sniping over, it’s time to call the contestants in to get fired. Amazingly, after all the lying, shirking and smarming only three are going to be let go. You’d think it would make more business sense to fire them all and simple hire Margaret Mountford’s jet-setting cat instead. But you can’t teach a dogged old boss new tricks.
“Ours is more of a dynamic environment,” Lord Sugaga tells Stella. Oh yeah. It’s a veritable Pineapple Studios down at Alanstrad HQ. You should see dress down Fridays. Lord Sugarmort also warns Joanna that she may be a little out of her depth with all those “balance sheets and… er.. spreadsheets.” God, he’s right, it is pretty bloody technical up there at the top.
In the end, Sir Alanstrad sacks Stuart for being, “full of shit.” Excuse me? You’ve just noticed? At no point in the field of ponies, cat-tracking, selling magic beans, extreme masculinity fart-faced honking did you get even an inkling that this man was spitting out shit faster than a sewage? The mind Baggles. Anyway, after Stuart’s truly shocking exit Joanna is the next to get the heave ho, followed swiftly by Hollyoaks Jamie.
Which leaves Christopher and Stella to fight it out next week in a class war with Lord Suguardianofthestupid providing munitions. God help us all.
Posted in Misc |
Tagged Apprentice Blog |
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Posted on December 16, 2010 by John Cronin
A large office complex in central London has been sold in a multi-million pound deal announced to the stock market yesterday.
The Bishops Square offices building has been sold by Bishops Square Holdings Limited, a 25:75 joint venture between Hammerson plc and Oman Investment Fund. The new owners are JP Morgan Asset Management who have agreed to pay £557m for the buildings. The complex was last valued for accounting purposes at £510m in June, 2010. Hammerson had previously bought out the 25% holding in the development belonging to the City of London in 2007.
Bishops Square (pictured) is predominately offices with retail space on the ground floor. Completed in 2005 and designed by Foster & Partners, the development also created a significant, new public space in London. The development has been recognised with several awards, including Best Commercial-led Regeneration Project of the Year (2006) and British Urban Regeneration Award (2008).
Total, Grade A office floor space amounts to 774,000 sq ft with the retail space taking an additional 40,000 sq ft. The offices are solely let as headquarters to international law firm Allen & Overy LLP on a long term lease. Annual rental income for the whole building amounts to £35m / year with average rental prices for the combined retail and office space equating to approximately £43 / sq ft.
Peter Reilly, Head of J.P. Morgan Asset Management’s European Real Estate Group, said: “We remain bullish on investing in high-quality, well-tenanted office properties located throughout Europe.”
Posted in London |
Tagged Foster and Partners, Rental Prices, Transactions |
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Posted on December 15, 2010 by John Cronin
Construction is due to start on a new mixed-use scheme on the site of a former RAF base in Somerset.
Following an agreement between The Homes and Communities Agency (HCA) and regeneration specialists St. Modwen, construction can now start on the first phase of the large-scale, mixed-use scheme at the former RAF Locking site (pictured) near Weston-super-Mare. The development is to include a mix of residential housing and speculative office buildings.
The first phase, which is due to start in Spring 2011, will see the construction of 100 new houses and offices affording approximately 6,000 sq ft of floor space. Plots will also be readied for the subsequent construction of a 14,000 sq ft office building and a 30,000 sq ft innovation centre. A business park is also planned for the site amounting to some 430,000 sq ft. The RAF Locking site has previously reported that a subsidiary of Oxford Scientific Instruments PLC has committed to leasing 50,000 sq ft of floor space to house their 170 staff.
The redevelopment of the former 200-acre RAF site, to be known as Locking Parklands, will create up to 2,000 new jobs, 1,500 new homes and 450,000 sq ft of quality office space. The complete project is expected to take more than 20 years to complete and is expected to cost around £400m.
The office buildings are to be constructed using the latest energy-saving techniques such as biomass heating and solar air conditioning and are expected to achieve a BREEAM rating of ‘Excellent’. The first phase offices are scheduled to be marketed from mid-2011.
Architects for the regeneration project are the Nash Partnership.
Posted in Somerset |
Tagged Business Parks, Locking Parklands, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on December 14, 2010 by John Cronin
Construction company Wates has been chosen as developer for the first phase of a multi-million pound office and leisure development scheme in Doncaster.
Muse Developments have chosen Wates for the construction of the new civic offices and a new theatre in the first phase of the £300m Waterdale scheme in Doncaster, South Yorkshire. The large scale Waterdale scheme consists of a new public square, public buildings, new civic offices, housing and commercial office space.
The five-storey, 157,500 sq ft office building (pictured) will house most of the council’s town centre services on one central site and become home to approximately 1,400 council staff.
The new offices are being built on the site of the former Doncaster College. The council aims to free up existing office space that is deemed to be “old and tired” allowing for redevelopment in future phases of the Waterdale scheme. The possibility of various council partners letting floor space within the new civic offices is also being considered. The complete development, to be constructed in four phases, has an expected completion date of 2018. The council believes that the scheme will create inward investment of some £200m and generate demand from the private sector for speculatively built office space.
The new council office building is to be constructed using the latest energy saving technologies including such as natural ventilation and roof top planting for rainwater harvesting. Dan Needham of Muse Developments believes the new offices will be cost efficient. He says: “When complete the highly energy efficient building will save the council millions of pounds in running costs over future years.” A BREEAM rating of ‘Excellent’ is expected.
A start date for the construction of the commercial office space has not yet been made public. Architects for the scheme are Cartwright Pickard.
Posted in South Yorkshire |
Tagged Public Sector, Speculative Developments, Waterdale |
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Posted on December 13, 2010 by John Cronin
Outline plans for a multi-million pound mixed-use development in Stoke-on-Trent have finally been submitted.
The Central Business District regeneration project is an office led scheme that will transform a brown-field site in the centre of Stoke. When complete, the £180m development scheme will offer 750,000 sq ft of Grade A office floor space along with retail and residential accommodation, a hotel and new public spaces.
The developers Genr8 Developments, who were chosen as preferred developers in March 2009, have conducted a series of public consultations and have now submitted their outline plans for the scheme. The county council appears to be in favour of the scheme and planning permission seems likely.
In October Councillor Mervin Smith, Stoke-on-Trent City Council cabinet member for city development & regeneration, said: “There is a need for good quality office space in the city centre. If we are to attract increased business investment then we need to make sure that we have an offer which is attractive.”
The development is be built in phases and construction works will take several years. A target completion date of 2017 has previously been suggested. The new scheme is to be built on the site of the demolished Unity House building. The multi-storey building was the tallest in Stoke-on-Trent before it was demolished in 2006. The 148,000 sq ft of floor space in the building was used as offices by Stoke-on-Trent City Council and also to some departments of Staffordshire County. However, due to claimed “sick building syndrome” Unity House stood empty for over 10 years and as it deteriorated it became unsafe and locals considered it an eyesore building.
Construction of the Central Business District was scheduled to start in 2010 but a start date of 2011 at the earliest is now expected.
Posted in Staffordshire |
Tagged Planning, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on December 13, 2010 by Rob Powell
The social media website, Twitter, has been looking at London office space according to news reports.
The Sunday Telegraph reported yesterday that executives from the San Francisco-based company were in London looking at potential locations for their new European Headquarters.
The West End and Old Street roundabout, commonly known as the Silicon Roundabout because of the community of tech firms nearby, have been talked up as the locations of most interest to Twitter bosses.
A spokesperson for the company told the Telegraph, “There were a few of us in London this week. We are considering London and other European locations to create an initial and small presence in 2011.”
The microblogging serviced has experienced phenomenal growth since it was launched in 2006 by founders Jack Dorsey, Evan Williams and Biz Stone.
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Posted on December 11, 2010 by Rob Powell
A huge new office development for investment bank, UBS, in the City of London has been submitted to local planners.
Developers British Land Company PLC and the Blackstone Group have jointly put forward the scheme at 5 Broadgate which would provide over 700,000 square feet of office space.
The 12 storey building, designed by Ken Shuttleworth at Make, would include four trading floors, each capable of accommodating 750 traders.
The developers say that the offices would use “photovoltaics” and solar thermal panels to generate low carbon energy, as well as “reducing water consumption by rainwater harvesting and increasing biodiversity through the incorporation of green roofs and terraces.”
Chris Grigg, Chief Executive of The British Land Company PLC, said: “It is vital that the City is able to meet the current and future needs of key occupiers for attractive, flexible and sustainable floorspace as financial services will be a major driver in the recovery of the UK economy from recession.”
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Posted on December 10, 2010 by Rob Powell
SERVICED office provider, i2 Office, has appointed a new Executive Director.
Nick Wentworth-Stanley has joined the company having had a successful career within the Lloyds insurance market where he was CEO of Hampden Agencies Ltd, the largest members’ agency at Lloyds with premium income capacity in excess of £1.5 billion. He became CEO of the Hampden Group and remains a non-executive director of Hampden Capital plc.
Mr Wentworth-Stanley commented:
“i2 Office, under the leadership of Philip Grace, is an exciting company which is setting a new standard in the serviced office arena. A combination of the best Grade A buildings, cutting edge technology and a focus on first class service means that i2 Office is a natural choice for any company looking for quality offices on flexible terms.”
i2 Office was founded by Philip Grace and operates business centres in Milton Keynes, London and Glasgow.
Posted in Buckinghamshire, London |
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Posted on December 10, 2010 by John Cronin
A renovation and refurbishment programme has commenced on a large, mixed-use building in the heart of London.
Property developers Land Securities have started work on their office and retail building at 123 Victoria Street, SW1. This quickly follows the granting of planning permission that was only awarded a week ago by Westminster City Council.
The office block was constructed in the 1970’s and offers total floor space of 227,000 sq ft. There is 177,520 sq ft of office space and 45,370 sq ft of retail space on the ground floor. The offices were previously occupied by the Government until its lease expired earlier this year. The building (pictured) was previously referred to as Ashdown House.
The schedule of works includes complete replacement of all the glazing, a new roof and roof terraces, full interior fit-out and improvements to the neighbouring public spaces. The refurbished offices will be Grade A rated and available floor plates across the 13 floors will range from approximately 5,000 sq ft up to 35,000 sq ft.
The redevelopment of 123 Victoria Street follows on from other projects that Land Securities have undertaken in Victoria. The developer completed the Cardinal House mixed-use scheme in 2005 and plans to complete the 275,000 sq ft 62 Buckingham Gate office building by 2013. Robert Noel, Managing Director of Land Securities’ London Portfolio, said: “This is the next step in our master plan to regenerate this important destination in the heart of the capital”.
The £150m refurbishment programme is expected to be completed in late 2012. Architects for the project are Aukett Fitzroy Robinson. Indicative rental prices are not yet available.
Posted in London |
Tagged Planning, Renovations |
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Posted on December 9, 2010 by John Cronin
The first tenant has been secured at a new offices development in Worcester.
Ascendant Europe, a partner of global IT giant IBM, has agreed to let office space at the new Waterside development in the city centre. The Waterside is a mixed-use development by developers Berkeley Group, consisting of residential, commercial and office accommodation. Built on the site of the former Royal Worcester Porcelain premises, the development is adjacent to the Worcester and Birmingham canal.
The first phase of the Waterside offices development is now available within four buildings, three of which are refurbishments of existing factory buildings. The one new-build office is called Warmstry House and offers approximately 18,300 sq ft of high specification office space over three floors. The largest floor plate available is 6,810 sq ft on the second floor.
Ascendant Europe has signed for 3,560 sq ft of floor space in the converted Slip House (pictured), a two floor building offering 6,854 sq ft of open plan floor space. The offices are so-called because it is where the “slip” or liquid clay mixture used to make porcelain was made. The other two converted offices are the 5,472 sq ft Throwing House and the 4,788 sq ft Saggar House.
Henry Harrison from agents Knight Frank, said of the letting “Ascendant’s reasons for relocating their regional headquarters to The Waterside demonstrate the requirement for high quality office accommodation in Worcester”.
The quoted rental price for Slip House, Throwing House and Saggar House is £17.00 per sq ft and £17.50 per sq ft for floor space in Warmstry House. The buildings can be split as necessary and are available on either a freehold or leasehold basis.
Joint marketing agents are Knight Frank and Halls Commercial.
Posted in Worcestershire |
Tagged Renovations, Rental Prices, Speculative Developments, The Waterside |
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