Posted on May 12, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
It’s episode two and the booming strings of Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights is back in business. Which can only mean one thing; it’s time for The Apprentice contestants to joust to the death, using a ‘smart phone’, riding a noble black cab, wearing a suit of M&S polyester armour.
“If you go sitting in the office for three hours I aint going to be a very happy bunny”. I do wish he’d stop doing that. The vision of Lord Sugartits jumping around the Playboy mansion dressed as a bunny is making my mind turn inside out.
And so, with the initial episode still warm in its grave, we’re on to Episode two. It’s 5am and Lord Sugar has a message. I’m starting to wonder what exactly it is that the Baron of Clapton does between 2am and 9am. Shouldn’t he be hibernating? Or, I don’t know, starring in the opening credits of One Foot in the Grave? Anyway, Lord Sugar wants to pass on some vital business information and what better way than having a house full of half-naked strangers gather around a laptop for a quick blast of Chat Roulette. First up, it’s it’s Lord Sugar.
This week’s task is to make a mobile phone application. “Better known as an app,” for those of you watching this in 1987. The teams have just two days to design and launch this new app. A run-up time so guaranteed to result in a shit product that Apple refused to host them.
The teams are, once again, boys versus girls. If by ‘boys and girls’ we mean ‘thirty-something suburban sociopaths.’ In the back of their taxi – one sadly not driven by a homicidal, gun-toting Robert DeNiro – the boys are spitting lyrics and swapping rhymes on this whole ‘app’ idea.”What an app-ortunity”. “We’re fast app-roaching where we need to be”. “This is app-solutely tremendous.” “Did you have an App-le…?” Oh Vincent . Poor, sweet, copper-coloured Vincent.
With Lord Sugar’s unparalleled reputation for electrical innovation and groundbreaking technology, I assume that the Appstrad1000 will be easily downloadable on to your portable minidisc player using Netscape and a dongle made of cheese.
The first step on this highway to iHell is for each of the boys to pull up a small white pouffe, gather around a doll table and brainstorm: Traffic light? Popping bubble wrap? What the weather was a year ago? Steve Jobs better be taking notes – this shit is dynamite. In the end they go for an app that allows you to insult people in regional slang. And the name for this piece of mobile misanthropy? “Slangatang. That is brilliant.”
Over at the girls’ brainstorm Susan Ma takes what is known as the ‘Ryanair approach’ to making her point – taking several good passes over it, before eventually grinding to a halt 10 miles from anywhere. Fittingly, the girls come up with the idea of marketing the most annoying noises they can. This meeting would make a good start. As would Susan Ma lowing like a cow mid-insemination.
Over in their recording studio the boys have finished scraping the barrel of their impressions and have now set about tunnelling down in to the earth’s mantle. We’ve got a licencious Scouser and a Welsh sheep farmer (who appears to have spent a lot of time in Bangalore).
“It’s sort of bland and meaningless to me.” Yet again, Nick smacks it out of the ballpark.
After those poor designers and programmers have spent the night polishing these turds, the Apps go live, accompanied by plenty of footage of the BT phonetower. Because, you know, what says ‘mobile phone technology’ like a monument to the landline.
Unfortunately, during his sales presentation Vincent goes blanker than Paris Hilton’s CV. Someone must have spiked his foundation.
After a series of stilted, awkward meetings, both teams then head off to a gaming fair. Now, if this were a proper fair Leon would be getting mugged up against a Helter Skelter by an onion-smelling, B&H-smoking 14 year old, while Glenn Ward snogged a fat girl for a bag of candyfloss. In fact, this ‘fair’ appears to be a rally for dexterous virgins.
Edna delivers her speech to the fair attendees in what can best be described as a ‘Valium drone’, wearing a very worrying pair of elbow-length leather gloves, while the boys dress up like a stag party at V Festival.
After those interesting conference gloves I was expecting Edna to at least glide in to the boardroom wearing a gimp mask and fetish hooves. Instead, she settles for silver lipstick and a face like she’s squeezing a cat’s anal gland.
The results are in and the girls’ 24 hour downloads outstrip the boys’ slangeotypes by 6,000. The female of the species, it appears, understands the international language of mewling.
To celebrate the girls head off to dinner with Michel Roux, while Lord Sugaga delivers one of his zingers about how “the next application you’ll be making will be a job application.” Closely followed by the admission that “I’m bored.” Someone needs a biscuit and bit of quiet time on the mat, I think.
After a painful bit of indecision, Leon’s top heavy-face announces that it will be taking Glenn and Alex back in to the boardroom for the final selection. So, it’s between Dobby the House Elf, Orlando Baggins and Marlon Blando.
“If you and I were to go in to my business there would be no bush to hide in,” Alex tells Lord Sugar. I literally have no idea what he’s talking about. I’m just hoping it has nothing to do with bushels or bunnies. Is his bushwhacking enough to save him from the chop? Will his ability with the breadknife save his neck? Of course not – he’s all eyebrow and no bollocks.
Alex: you’re fired.
“You take a situation, learn from it and move on.” Unless, of course, you’re Stuart Baggs.
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Tagged Apprentice Blog |
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Posted on May 11, 2011 by Nell Frizzell
“It’s the business deal of the decade.” As another hysterical voiceover breaks its broadcasting waters over the feet of business, Series 7 of The Apprentice is born.
“I started a global business, literally with nothing,” squints Melody Hossaini. Ding ding! Nineteen seconds in and already we have an incorrect use of the word ‘literally’. That must surely be a record. Unless, of course, old Melody managed to launch a global business without so much as a telephone, pencil or pair of knickers. Seeing as she’s been working with “over 12 Nobel prize winners in over 100 countries” let’s all just pray that, by now, she’s been able to invest in a toothbrush and some shoes.
“Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit if there are footprints on the moon.” Yeah, you guys. Stop blinding poor Melody with your motivational space talk. And, while I’m at it, don’t tell her to reach for the sky while there are rings around Uranus, either.
“I’ve got plenty of charisma and, yeah, I’m not bad looking.” Hold on. Is that a talking bikini wax? Is it Richard Madeley? No! It’s Gaston from Disney’s The Beauty and the Beast aka Vincent Disneur (you’d think Disney could have come up with a slightly more inventive pseudonym than Disneur).
“My social life, my personal life, literally don’t mean anything to me. I live to work; it’s all I do.” Oooh, Helen Louise Milligan sounds like fun, doesn’t she? I bet Christmas round at hers is an absolute scream.
“I am cold and hard,” says Alex Britez Cabral. Well, I suppose that would explain why all the female contestants appear to be wearing morgue makeup. “A limp handshake is unforgiveable,” according to Edna Agbarha. Not to mention a pimp handshake. Or a shrimp milkshake.
“Doing it the hard way, Lord Sugar went from market stall to market leader,” farts out that relentlessly dramatic voiceover. I suppose by ‘hard way’ we mean ‘hard for anyone to understand how he convinced the BBC this was a good idea.’
And so, at long last, the opening montage is complete. By this time even Rocky Balboa would be curled in the foetal position, mournfully pushing staples in to his forehead.
It is 4pm on day one and everyone has gathered in the boardroom for a pep talk from the Lord himself. Apparently, S’rAlan is frequently asked if it is still possible to start a business from a humble background, like he did, way back in 1987. The answer? ”Yes. Absolutely yes.” He really is like the British Obama, isn’t he? If Obama were a tortoise who made fax machines.
The first task will be to buy £250 of produce, add value and sell it on. Hold on. Is that how business works? I watched every single episode of the last series and had no idea that was what they were trying to do.
As usual, Nick and Karen will be “following you all the time and reporting back to me.” Contravening most European industrial laws, not to mention the odd human right.
With the contestants split in to gender-specific teams it’s time to come up with a really professional, slick, impressive name. Or, failing that, to throw around some meaningless buzz words until your mouth literally throws itself off your face in desperation.
The women consider Galvanised and Platinum before finally settling on Team Venture? Venture? I suppose Team Ept, Team Mirable and Team Roit were all taken. The men, on the other hand, go for Team Logic. Only on the Apprentice could Vincent’s question “Who likes ability?” be met with deathly silence and awkward glances at the floor.
So, it’s time to turn crates full of fruit and veg in to, well, small plastic tubs of fruit and veg. The boys are making fruit and juices; the girls fruit salads and pasta pots. If I go to hell, these people will be running the canteen.
“I’m just rolling with the punches and I want my team to do the same,” riffs lyrical master and team leader Edward Hunter. Well, he does have an extremely punchable face.
Over at the kitchens, both teams have dressed up as forensic scientists in order to chop oranges. That’s nice. Maybe next week they’ll dress up as firemen and surgeons to bake scones.
Once the produce is prepped and packed both teams head out to hit that hungry London market. Except they all stop selling at 4pm. Well, you know what they say; if you want to get ahead in business, always close up by teatime.
After Lord Sugarcubes has called everyone back to his for a wicked boardroom afterparty, Edward’s leadership starts to be criticised as “random”. This is like watching Prime Minister’s Question time, scripted by Hollyoaks. Then, in one of the more sinister moments of the show, Edward starts muttering “Don’t fit the mould, don’t fit the mould” like some sort of malfunctioning Terminator as Lord Sugar tries to impart his wizenedom.
The results are in and the girls’ £2 fruit pots have thrust them in to a storming £500 victory. Which can only mean one thing: the boys are sent to the Café of Despair. Imprisoned by the giant mugs of failure and sauce-bottles of heartbreak. It’s basically Central Perk, but in Hades.
Lord Sugarthepill finally calls Leon, Edward and Gavin back in to the boardroom for a man-to-hobbit-to-potato-to-ex-Everton-player chat.
“All I’m guilty of is being too ambitious,” moans Edward. Oscar Wilde, it appears, has been reincarnated as a stubbly accountant from Reading. Is his wit and determination enough to save him? Of course not. The man is thunderous moron.
Edward ‘hairy neck’ Hunter: you’re fired.
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Tagged Apprentice Blog |
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Posted on May 11, 2011 by John Cronin
A rental deal has been secured for prime office space in Mayfair at a rental price approaching £100 / sq ft.
Hedge fund York Capital Management has agreed to lease office space at the prestigious office building at 23 Savile Row, Mayfair (pictured – website) at an agreed rental price of £97.50 / sq ft.
A 12-month rent-free period has been agreed as part of the 10-year lease agreement. Having taken an office suite of 7,610 sq ft floor space on the 4th floor, York Capital will be paying an annual rent of £741,917.00 to landlords D2 Private.
23 Savile Row is a landmark building of 7-stories, offering a total Grade A floor space of 100,000 sq ft. The largest floors can accommodate up to 200 people and unrestricted floor plates are up to a maximum of 16,500 sq ft. Market reports indicate that D2 Private are aiming to achieve rental prices in excess of £100 / sq ft for the remaining 25,000 sq ft of vacant floor space in the building.
In recent research commercial agents CBRE reported that in the 1st quarter of 2011 West End office prime rents rose 2.2% to £92.50 / sq ft. This compares to unchanged City office rental prices of £55 / sq ft and Canary Wharf office rental prices of £37.50 / sq ft.
In 2007, D2 Private claimed to achieve the highest rental prices for office space worldwide when it let 7,289 sq ft of floor space at its 12 St James’s Square development for £140 / sq ft.
Other commercial buildings in the D2 Private portfolio include Waterside, Paddington Basin and Woolgate Exchange in the City. Waterside is entirely occupied by Marks & Spencers as their corporate headquarters. Woolgate Exchange, a 350,000 sq ft office development is occupied by West LB Bank.
Agents GVA advised York Capital.
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Tagged Canary Wharf Group, Rental Prices |
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Posted on May 10, 2011 by John Cronin
Commercial agents King Sturge have been instructed to market a refurbished office building in Edinburgh.
The property investment arm of insurance giants Aviva has instructed King Sturge to market the Hayweight House office building (pictured – website) in central Edinburgh.
Constructed in the early 1990’s the 19,378 sq ft building has recently undergone a £1.3m refurbishment programme managed by King Sturge’s Building Consultancy. The building has achieved a revised and improved energy rating of ‘C’.
The building offers 6 floors of open plan office space with floor plates ranging in size from 2,033 sq ft up to 3,580 sq ft. Each floor provides fully self-contained offices with lift access. Suites are being marketed on a floor by floor basis. Letting of the whole building for headquarters office occupation is also available.
Hayweight House was previously purchased by Morley Property Investment Fund, which was subsequently acquired by Norwich Union. The building was purchased in 2006 for £5.85m and was let to the Scottish Courts at an approximate rental price of £16.60 / sq ft. Last year the Scottish Courts were in dispute with the landlord over the cost of building repairs (.pdf link).
The agents anticipate strong interest in the centrally located Edinburgh office. John Clement, Partner at King Sturge comments: “Hayweight House has been refurbished to a very high standard and we are offering flexible open plan floor by floor lettings with competitive terms”.
Headline rental prices are available on request. Lease terms of 5 to 10 years are available.
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Tagged Renovations, Rental Prices, Transactions |
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Posted on May 9, 2011 by John Cronin
A significant pre-let agreement has been secured on a landmark office building in Great Portland Street, London.
Great Portland Estates plc (GPE) has secured a pre-let agreement with visual effects company Double Negative for offices at 160 Great Portland Street (pictured – website).
The headquarters offices are currently undergoing a complete refurbishment programme and are scheduled to be ready for occupation by May 2012.
Oscar and BAFTA award-winning Double Negative have agreed to a 20-year lease for the whole 85,000 sq ft offices. The 8-storey building was substantially redeveloped during the 1990’s with only the exterior facades retained. The building offers column-free floor plates up to a maximum size of 14,400 sq ft, arranged around a full-height, glazed atrium.
There are both rent-free periods and capital contributions involved in an agreement that equates to a quoted rental price of £59.60 / sq ft on the 1st to 5th floors of the building. In addition, GPE have accepted to surrender the existing lease that Double Negative have on their existing offices at 45 Mortimer Street W1, a 108,000 sq ft office building also owned by GPE.
160 Great Portland Street was up until last April solely occupied by Telewest UK (now part of Virgin Media) who paid £30m to buy out a lease that was due to expire in 2018. The lease termination was agreed in December, 2010 and equated to 6.3 years of the 7.5 years remaining rent.
Commenting on the pre-let agreement Neil Thompson, Portfolio Director of GPE said: “160 Great Portland Street is part of GPE’s 1.9 million square feet development programme, timed to coincide with a shortage of good quality space in central London over the next few years”.
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Tagged Renovations, Rental Prices, Transactions |
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Posted on May 6, 2011 by John Cronin
Commercial property developers Land Securities have announced plans for a mixed-use redevelopment in Westminster, London.
Land Securities is seeking planning consent for the redevelopment of their Kingsgate House office block at 66 to 74 Victoria Street. The company plans to replace the existing building with two new buildings offering commercial and residential accommodation.
Kingsgate House is a 1960’s office block containing 155,500 sq ft of office space along with approximately 31,000 sq ft of retail space. The offices are predominately occupied by a range of Government departments. The existing building is expected to be vacant by March 2012.
Subject to planning consent, two new buildings (pictured) are to be constructed on the site. Total Grade A office floor space will amount to 203,000 sq ft.
The West Building will provide the office accommodation and the East Building provides the residential accommodation. Both buildings will offer ground-floor retail units. The office block steps up in height from 8 storeys up to 13 storeys and will be slightly taller than Kingsgate House.
Land Securities owns several buildings in Victoria Street and other current projects include the £150m refurbishment of 123 Victoria Street and the speculative 253,000 sq ft office development at 62 Buckingham Gate.
Colette O’Shea, Head of Development, London Portfolio, Land Securities, commented: “Our plans for Kingsgate House will play a vital part in continuing to transform Victoria into a distinct and vibrant destination, responding to the modern requirements of those who live, work and visit the area.”
Architects for the scheme are Lynch Architects. Market reports suggest the proposals have a development cost in the region of £150m.
Posted in London |
Tagged Demolitions, Planning, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on May 5, 2011 by John Cronin
The first tenant has been signed-up for office space at a multi-million pound development in Wakefield, West Yorkshire.
Leading pawnbroker Albemarle & Bond plc has agreed to a 15-year lease for 10,000 sq ft of floor space at Number 2 Burgage Square, Merchant Gate.
Merchant Gate is a speculative development by English Cities Fund (ECF) offering a mix of commercial and civic office space, alongside residential property and retail units. It was announced last October that Morgan Sindall had been awarded a £14.8m contract to construct new offices for Wakefield District Council.
Numbers 1 and 2 Burgage Square are 3-storey office buildings offering Grade A rated floor space of 17,300 sq ft and 19,600 sq ft respectively. Quoted headline rental prices are £16.50 / sq ft. Albemarle & Bond have taken the top floor of 2 Burgage Square and are to centralise their administration functions from existing offices in Leeds and Wakefield.
Emma Cordingley, development director for ECF, said: “Having Albemarle and Bond as the first commercial tenant at Merchant Gate is a really significant development for the scheme.”
Situated opposite Westgate railway station on a 17-acre site, the mixed-use scheme will provide over 700,000 sq ft of development, including 300,000 sq ft of office accommodation. The first phase of offices offer just over 48,000 sq ft of space within 3 buildings. The buildings include leisure accommodation at ground floor level with 2 floors of offices above.
Richard Thornton, partner at marketing agent King Sturge, said: “This substantial letting is a major office deal for the city and is a significant milestone for the Merchant Gate development”.
When completed the scheme is estimated to have a development cost of approximately £140m.
Posted in West Yorkshire |
Tagged Rental Prices, Speculative Developments, Transactions |
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Posted on May 4, 2011 by John Cronin
Refurbishment works are underway at a listed office building in Manchester city centre.
The imposing building at 41 Spring Gardens, originally constructed in 1890, is to undergo a complete refurbishment programme. To honour the original architect, the building is to be renamed as Waterhouse. Alfred Waterhouse was a noted architect who designed several Manchester landmark buildings including the Grade I Listed Manchester Town Hall.
The works are being funded by the property freeholders, Birkenhead-based Associated Property Owners. It is suggested that the scheme is the first entirely office-led redevelopment in central Manchester for nearly 3 years. The work is being undertaken by office fit-out specialists Claremont Group.
Construction work on the 17,000 sq ft building is scheduled to be completed by July and the speculative scheme will be marketed from September. The offices will be available to let on either a whole building basis or as flexible office suites starting at 650 sq ft. Whole floors at approximately 3,700 sq ft are also available. The quoted rental price is from £23.50 / sq ft.
The building is located at the top of King Street in the heart of the commercial district of Manchester city centre. This popular area of the Manchester offices market has seen several multi-million pounds deals over the last 12-18 months. In February, the nearby Ship Canal House building was sold in a £23m deal. Headline rents at the offices are around £28 / sq ft.
Peter Gallagher, partner at marketing agent p3 property consultants comments: “City centre offices in Manchester combining an elegantly contemporary feel with a real touch of classic character, really don’t get much better than this.”
The other joint marketing agent for the Waterhouse scheme is BNP Paribas.
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Tagged Renovations, Rental Prices |
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Posted on May 3, 2011 by John Cronin
A contentious development of flats and an office block in Ayr has been rejected by local councillors.
The plans submitted by R & R Investments for 30 flats and a 4-storey office block on a site known as Plot 9, The Citadel Esplanade, Ayr were previously backed by South Ayrshire Council officials. However, the plans were thrown out by councillors at the recent planning meeting.
The proposed apartments and office block (pictured) have been proposed for a site of historical importance. The sea front location was once home to a Citadel Fort.
Having been invited to comment on the proposals, Historic Scotland indicated that they were “not minded to object” to the development.
The site, which has been put up for sale by South Ayrshire Council, has seen other unsuccessful development proposals. Proposals for a 65,000 sq ft, 2-storey leisure facility including an arcade and a cinema were not considered to be viable. R & R Investments were subsequently chosen as preferred developer.
The planned 4-storey office block offers approximately 38,300 sq ft of open-plan floor space. Each floor of the office block can be subdivided to create 3 separate office suites per floor. A central services “core” would provide each office floor with toilets and service facilities.
Local residents association Fort Residents Association objected to the proposals. They were joined by Ayr parliamentary candidate John Scott who commented upon the unanimous decision to reject the plans: “This is a very welcome decision by the regulatory panel which reflects the strong view of local people that the building of more flats and office space would be wholly the wrong type of development in this area.”
It is not known if the developers or their agents Graham & Sibbald will appeal against the decision.
Posted in South Ayrshire |
Tagged Planning, Speculative Developments |
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Posted on April 28, 2011 by John Cronin
Developers are pressing ahead with an approved development of offices in Chalfont St Peter despite concerns from residents.
Barwood Developments are scheduled to start construction works in June on new office blocks at their Chiltern Park scheme (pictured) in Chalfont St Peter, Buckinghamshire. Despite being granted full planning permission for the revised scheme at the end of March, local residents are still voicing concern about the development.
Local resident Phillipa Yates has expressed concern about increased traffic in the vicinity and also says: “There’s also no guarantee that it will benefit the economy of Chalfont St Peter. It feels like the views of residents haven’t been considered.”
A local action group called Sense 4 CSP had previously organised an unsuccessful campaign to attempt to block the development by encouraging residents to write letters of objection.
A 31,500 sq ft office block, known as Europa House, has already been completed and has been occupied by RWS Group since January 2011. The firm relocated over 250 staff from other offices in Gerrards Cross and London.
A further 3 office buildings are set to built on the Chiltern Park site. Pre-let agreements have been secured for 2 buildings with light manufacturer Zumbotel and imports company Rhone Products.
The 3 new buildings will offer total floor space amounting to just under 43,000 sq ft. This figure is approximately 700 sq ft less than the original plans for 2 new buildings. Two of the new buildings are expected to achieve BREEAM ratings of “Excellent” and the other a rating of “Very Good”.
The new offices are expected to be completed by June, 2012.
Barwood Developments have been advised by planning consultants PRC Group.
Posted in Buckinghamshire |
Tagged Business Parks, Speculative Developments |
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